kokorozendo

Almost all our problems stem from lack of congruence—lack of integrity. When we are torn between two pieces—the inner voice that knows what is true for us, and the outer mask that seeks approval, recognition, or safety—conflict is the result.

we live in tension. That tension is exhausting. It breeds anxiety, self‑doubt, and the constant feeling of being “out of place” even in our own lives

long-time back, in 1998, I was visiting California. My close friends James Mathew and Komal Jain were working in San Jose then. Unni and I flew in. We were planning to drive down to LA through Highway 1 along the Pacific coast, with a pit stop in Big Sur. I just wanted to see the Esalen Institute. During those times, I was trying to get into a good MBA school. (Though I did land in one of the second‑tier schools then, I did not pursue for want of money.)

James, Unni and I drove down to Stanford. They had asked me to visit the campus and assigned a current student to walk me through. Our host was a Catholic priest from New Zealand, working in the Vatican. One question I had was with respect to our essays and recommendations. I asked him, “Do prospective students write their own recommendations?” He replied, “It is possible. But integrity is for ourselves. We are what we are when no one is watching.”

That learning stayed with me. Integrity is not a social quality—it is a personal one. It cannot be enforced on another, nor can it be measured by applause or recognition. It is the quiet covenant we keep with ourselves, the alignment between our inner compass and our actions when no one else will ever know. Social morality may depend on rules and consequences, but integrity begins where rules end.

And here lies the connection with judgment. Much of our inner conflict comes from the masks we wear in society—performing, projecting, seeking approval. The dichotomy between the self we show and the self we hide creates unease. The Bible says, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged.” That begins with ourselves. The moment we stop judging ourselves, we stop performing for the world’s imagined gaze. We no longer live for recognition, vanity, or pride. Instead, we begin to live from our truest center, where integrity burns like a steady flame—unseen, yet unwavering.

Integrity, then, is not about morality in the social sense, but about wholeness. The word itself comes from integer—to be whole, undivided. When we are congruent, when what we think, feel, and do are aligned, there is a natural ease. Life flows.

And this is where judgment comes in. The moment we judge ourselves, we split ourselves in two: the one who acts, and the one who criticizes. That inner division is the seed of suffering. When we stop judging—even ourselves—we stop tearing ourselves apart. We return to wholeness.

So in a way:  Lack of congruence = lack of integrity = inner division.

Integrity = congruence = wholeness.

And wholeness is freedom. It is the state where we no longer need to perform, defend, or seek applause. We simply are.

After , Thara and I came back to India from the USA ( now disUnited Empire of Trump !)  , we decided to settle down in Kanakapura road. Closer to a Krishnamurti school. Our children, Manu and Rishi were students there and Thara a Teacher and I was a frequent visitor at the KFI study center. I used to be very regular for the monthly study sessions ( first  Sunday of every month). Once, as I was getting ready for the monthly study session, my son Manu asked me where I was going. I said, ‘KFI study centre.’ He looked at me and said, like a young Socrates or UG Krishnamurti: ‘You people are going to talk about things you don’t know. At that point of time, I might have read almost all the books of Krishnamurti ( infact the late Dr. Satish Inamdar used to tell me half seriously and half-jokingly , that when I stopped reading , I will understand JK better.), I also used to be a regular visitor of UG whenever he used to visit Blr. But that question of Manu was like a thunder bolt. And set my own inner enquiry of what do I know about  it . May be , that kind of took me to a full time MA Education course at APU , where I chose courses like Phenomenology , Epistemology etc.  That kind of helped me to read between the lines, whenever someone else , “usually a know all gas bag types”, yap about spirituality.  Whenever I used to write, I stopped being an interpreter of those great knowledge . Rather I started sharing my own inner travels and experiences.  Many of them of insecurity, brokenness, helplessness and what little I understood from my own seeking. But one thing, I ensured, is I spoke what I thought and felt.  Many a times, that got me thrown out of my jobs, ended good relationships, and put myself under the bus.  But still I thought I was being what I am. Some of those who broke away , came back to my life and those relationships were stronger. Some of those ended and I thought that was the way it is.

That thunderbolt from Manu deepened my inquiry into what I truly knew, and it prepared me for the uncompromising honesty I would later encounter with my Zen master, Fr. AMA. That seed of integrity, planted in me by a Catholic priest in California, found its full flowering years later under the guidance of another Jesuit Priest and my Zen master, Fr. AMA. Fr. AMA who is also my Zen Master and Mentor.   Over the last 12 years , after being accepted as a student , I would have asked him more than 1000 questions. And especially during the last 3 years, when I became a resident at Kanzeon Zendo and his assistant.  Many of them were very provocative and came from my ego , “all knowing” arrogant self.  Many were in Dokusan 1 -1 interviews and many during our open  Q &A session at the Zendo hall. Infact Dr. Meath Conlan a Sangha member from Australia wrote in his memoir that “His thoughtful questions during evening sangha sessions with the Master leave me dumbfounded. I admire his comprehension of Zen and his courage in asking questions. I sense that often Vishy voices exactly what the rest of others were wondering but hadn’t found words or forthrightness to express.”  Fr. AMA  He always answered with the same calmness and smile. Not once he had flinched. Some the questions he said he does not know. And some of them, even personal ones, he answered honestly. The questions including in the problems with religions, sexuality, greed and anything under the sun.

His unwavering calm in the face of my ‘arrogant self’ and provocative questions embodies the very wholeness I was seeking. He didn’t need to perform the role of an ‘all-knowing’ master. By sometimes saying “I do not know” and always answering honestly, he modeled the integrity I was looking for He was a living example of a person who is no longer torn between pieces, who has dissolved the inner critic, and who operates from that “truest center.”

And that is the ultimate lesson in spiritual seeking I learnt. 

Living an ordinary life of compassion and service, with integrity, is the Way. Not elsewhere, not in some other world, but here. As Hakuin Zenji wrote: ‘This very body is Buddha, this very land is lotus land