kokorozendo.life

Not by choice-   could not write anything for a while.

Heart mind was parched and dry… In a world where even rivers dies down due to thirst, heart minds can go parched and dry too. This got written by itself. Though it is written with ink laced with my heart blood and bones from cartilage as pen.  It ended up as a long passage. Though I wrote about my life and relationships in it, the similar characters might have made an appearance in your life stage as well. It is as much as about you as well as me.

Yes. This blog is about ships of Relations in my sea of life … Or anyone’s sea of life… And those “ships” (relations) – while many of them still sail well calmly and collectedly  in choppy and turbulent high seas, some did sink in placid lakes and a few still stay afloat even after they got wrecked.  May be I am still holding on to those shattered pieces to stop from drowning.

Happy reading…. If you stay course till the very end and reach the other shore , pls drop in a message to me 

Unsinkable (relation) ship!

"There is no danger that Titanic will sink. The boat is unsinkable and nothing but inconvenience will be suffered by the passengers." Phillip Franklin, White Star Line vice-president, 1912. ( The company which owned The Titanic )

Words that have gone down in history, for all the wrong reasons.

At latitude 41° 43' 32" north, longitude 49° 56' 49" west, 370 miles (595 kilometres) southeast of Halifax, Nova Scotia, 2.5 miles (4 km) down lays the wreck of the RMS Titanic. The rust-coloured remains rest in two parts, the stern around 2,000 feet (600 metres) from the bow and facing in opposite directions.”

[https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20120402-the-myth-of-the-unsinkable-ship#:~:text="There%20is%20no,in%20opposite%20directions.]

(Pic courtesy: Copilot designer)

Krishnamurti on Relation-ships:

 I was a Hardcore Krishnamurti-ite once.  Devouring everything he had written.  

One of the quotes that stayed with me is:

“Relationship is the mirror in which we see ourselves as we are.”  

Rest of his quote goes like this ,  “ All life is a movement in relationship. There is no living thing on earth that is not related to something or other. Even the hermit that abandons the world and goes into some lonely spot is related to the past, is related to those who are around him. There is no escape from relationship. And in that relationship, which is the mirror in which we can see ourselves, in that relationship we can discover what we are: our reactions, our prejudices, our fears, depressions, anxieties, loneliness, sorrow, pain, grief.”

Types of “Ships” of Relations:  “I” Chose, Chosen by (Other) and Choiceless (?) “

There are relationships, where you  choose. You can choose your spouse, your friends, your neighbours (to an extent), your boss and colleagues and clients ( again to an extent). OF course you can choose your spiritual guru. In Zen tradition it works both ways. A disciple / student got to accept the Master, and the Master got to accept the disciple.  These choices are informed ( sometimes very illiterate  choices).  Though, I do know now, our so called Free will is limited, still we can exercise to an extent. We can’t blame Destiny for these set of choices and relation- ships.

Many a times, when you choose someone else, you also get chosen by someone else. Your Zen master is an example.  Same goes with your Coach or Therapist.

Then some of the relationships, are Choiceless ones … Those are the Rummy cards dealt to us by the destiny for this round of the game.  Our grandparents, parents, siblings, sons and other blood relatives. We can’t choose them. They just happen to us. They too can’t choose us. We just happen to them.  Even after the initial set of 13 cards, the cards you choose from a stockpile, you don’t have any way of choosing it by knowing that card beforehand.  So, it is luck and destiny.  We have the option of scooting and getting out of the game or it is for us to play this game in this round of life. Some discard some cards to the waste pile, have not you seen, broken relationships amongst siblings, cousins, children abandoning their parents, parents abandoning their children etc. I do have my share of broken relationships. And   Some play wisely to create melds out of the available cards and win the game. 

And then there are  Unconditional Relationships: Some relationships, regardless whether they are chosen by you , you got chosen or choiceless,  transcend circumstances, with people reaching out to each other regardless of situations, exemplified  closest family and friends. Especially Dunbar’s inner circles and I call them anamcara friends.  The term soul friend, comes from the Irish words anam, meaning “soul” and cara meaning friend. In Celtic tradition , soul friends are considered  an essential part of spiritual development.  ( there is a wonderful book by  John O’Donohue  AnamCara : A book of Celtic Wisdom.)n

Dunbar’s magic Number on # of relationships:

Regardless whether your relationships are chosen by you, or you get chosen or choiceless ones,  Dunbar’s magic number applies.

Dunbar's theory, often referred to as Dunbar's number, suggests that people can maintain a maximum of 150 relationships. This number is broken down into layers of closeness:

The tightest circle consists of five loved ones.

• Followed by 15 good friends.
• Then 50 friends.
• 150 meaningful contacts.
• 500 acquaintances.
• And finally, 1500 people you can recognize1.

This theory highlights the cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships. It emphasizes the importance of these layers in understanding the dynamics of human social interactions. 

U might be wondering what is the relevance of this.  In this era  of social media life, they all get muddled. In real life,  most of our relationships comes from family, friends , work and community we belong to.

There was one quote which says , “ “Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.” .  I would add to it Work and Friends as well.  IN fact, most of our waking hours we spent in earning a living and many a times, we don’t consider that as part of our life.  People talk about Work and Life balance as if. Work happens in some other planet and not part of our life.  In my life, people whom I met at workplace, had a lot of significance in my life even in my spiritual path.  My Bosses like RBala, late SMR, Ishwar, Brij etc were all spiritually and humanely evolved.  They merit a focussed blog.  This one I am going to focus on family and friends.

Theory and Practice:

All these are theories.  The proof of the pudding is in eating.  I mean Living. The first great lesson I learnt on Relationship came from a  Jesuit priest , quite ironically.   Dr. Richard McHugh who left his family to be a priest and country in which he was born to serve another country and culture  and who never got married was an unlikely candidate to be a relationship coach.  But he ended up as on in my life and Thara ‘s life too.  

Dr Richard McHugh and NLP

It is Venerable NLP Guru. Dr. Richard McHugh who taught me how to make relationships work. I got to write about Dick McHugh, because he was the first Guru for Thara and I.  Thara used to have a pathological hatred for Guruhood, but she accepted Richard as one.

Dick McHugh was a American Jesuit Priest who made India his home.  He later worked with Tony DeMello at Sadhana in Pune for a long time. Tony DeMello was his close friend.  He learnt NLP from Bandler and Grinder, when those founders of NLP were still together.   After untimely death of Tony DeMello, Dick McHugh started travelling around the world teaching NLP.  In USA, Europe and India.  In India every year he used to conduct 3 workshops.  In Jamshedpur, Bangalore and then Mumbai.  He used to visit Bangalore in the months of Feb and March every year and used to conduct his workshops in Ashirwad at St Marks Road. Those were never advertised in any way, but seats used to get booked months in advance..  

Credit for that should go to Daniel Pacheco. It was Dan who had asked us to attend Dick McHugh’s NLP seminar.  And Dan seems to have told Dick McHugh that he is sending a mule headed rationalist left brainer to his NLP class. I was not aware of that.  On the first day, it was a normal day.  And on the second day during lunch time, Dick McHugh called me and asked me to tell Dan, that he found that “Mule headed left brainer.”. I did not understand anything.  Though I did ask him, he just repeated his instructions. That day evening, the moment I reached home, I called Dan and conveyed the message.  Dan burst into laughing and shared this with me.

After that event, Dr. McHugh kind of adopted us as his favourite guinea pigs in that workshop. For demonstrating almost all those NLP exercises, he used to select either me or Thara.

Ashirwad, the place our workshop was held, is on a narrow by lane from St. Marks Road. During  our Basic NLP training,  they had dug up that road for laying some pipe. And on an evening, I was struggling to get our car out of the compound.  Thara got out of the car to guide me.  And soon our small car was in the ditch. Luckily those workers were still around and helped us out.  Little did we know that  Dr. McHugh was watching the whole drama from his room on the first floor of Ashirwad.

The next day morning, he started his session, narrating about the incident with that Cullinan smile on his face and twinkle in his eyes and  he said to the class, this is what happens when a  person with a high visual modality way of looking at the world. Guides someone like me with a dominant auditory modality.

That is how he taught us about the VAK modalities and how it impacts the way we communicate.  Infact , on quote he had shared on that day still  rings in my ears.  “The Meaning of your communication is the response you get. “.

The Eternal North Star of My Life.

Thara and I got married an year before that NLP workshop  in an arranged marriage.  No idea what made us  say YES  to each other. She and I  was born and brought up in absolutely different environments. As Dick McHugh had said to us, here is two people as different as chalk and cheese.  One example, Thara had her school education in  Church Park , one of the best convents in  Chennai while I had my school education , in a school which had the nickname as. Kerala Themmadi Memorial school. ( which translated as. Kerala Rascal Memorial School !)  .. While I was brought up in very liberal household,  Thara’s  home is one of the most conservative one I had ever seen.

So we had our great challenges of  finding our way  after our marriage. And  the month long NLP course we did with Dr. Richard McHugh was the turning point of the tide.  And from then on , every year when he used to visit Ashirwad for his course, we used to go and meet him and gift him an XXL T shirt.  And every single time, he used to tell Thara that he got to let go an older one from his small suitcase . He used to travel  around the world and live out of two small suitcases.

Not that the NLP workshop changed  the terrain of our life. We did have our ups and downs in life. But the earliest lesson from Richard McHugh was good enough to work synergistically to ensure  an uprise, every  time. we felt, it is going to hit nadir, the ship is going to sink.

In fact at this very point of penning this, we had just another major conflict.

She has been an eternal north star in my life and helped me through navigating my life so far. Even when, I had walked out a job with  a Green card in the promised land,  resigning from a fancy IT job to be a full time student at a University  or at the end of it all, totally broken down with catatonic depression after being thrown out an NGO, or moving to a Zendo as a full time Zen student….the list is endless.

An year back, when she came to Zendo,  during the dining table conversation, someone asked her whether she is joining the Sangha as well.  And I had replied while some got to practice Zen , some lives it.

While Thara means  star or radiance, to me she was/is/will be the eternal north star.

Coming of Age and out of prison…

I was all of  4.5 years old then.  I am absolutely sure.  It might have been during the last week of May or very early  June.  ALP School    was not opened yet but the Monsoon was about to start.  My parents advanced my date of birth on record so that   – handful-trouble-maker  is not  at home at least during school hours.  One of my uncle,  then recently graduated & jobless (job seeking )  was stepping out of the house for his evening timepass  with his friends.  He said something to me and my brother , and I did reply something.  Might have been quite disrespectful, it did trigger one of those outlier reaction of anger and violence from him.   Though there were enough small sticks commensurating  for a  small  brat available in a Kerala home, he chose to discipline a 4.5 year old, by  folding  a steel wire  used to  dry  washed clothes and used as  his batascoir. That was the worst thrashing I got in my life. Never before that or never after. (so far! and Thank Goodness🙂 ).     My poor mother did try to stop it without much success.  After my uncle left,  she just held on to me and tried to stop my sobbing. I guess she herself was crying. 

That is when monsoon rain came on that day and wiped my tears away.  Old style Kerala houses, do have those long verandas, wooden bench  and wooden grill instead of the wall.  It is kind of half open to the world and nature.  When  it rains,  one can sit on those  bench, resting one’s chin on the wooden rail looking at the rain for hours.  As the direction of rain changes and with some wind, one gets   needle shower on the face too.  It is quite hypnotically and can take one to another world altogether.  It ended up   being an anchor of joy and peace for me.  There is a Zen koan which says , blood cannot wash away blood, and thoughts can’t save you from more thoughts…. But I can tell you from my experience, raindrops from heaven can wipe away the tears of heart.

If egotism+arrogance+shorttemperedness+lackofgratitude managed to get a pair of hands, legs and a head, in my view, that would have his name on its forehead. And he used to treat /bully everyone else in his life the same way, he treated a 4.5 year old kid.   I could narrate many  many stories.  But i don’t want for two reasons.  At the very point of time, he himself is facing a moment of truth in life. It won’t be empathetic to add to his woes. And secondly this is about me more than him.

It took me many many  more years, unfortunately,  to realise that I don’t have to live in a prison cell I made it for myself when I was  a small kid.  Infact  45 years to realise that I am no more a 45 year old child.  Zen might have helped me.  The moment it hit me, when I was sitting in a  Marriage hall in Chikamngalore, I just ticked him out of my life.  And it was just liberating for me like coming out of age and out or prison.

Each one of us’ prison cells gets built when we were children.  We can’t get out of it, since those  prison bars are invisible to our mind.  Only when we become aware of those prison bars in our mind, we can set ourself free.  In Acceptance and commitment therapy, there is a wonderful exercise named  Observer exercise.  Even Zen meditation does help. Enlightenment is not some esoteric ever lasting bliss, but setting ourselves free from ourselves. When we become truly aware of Witness consciousness, then we realise that we are the prisoner , prison cells and guards too.  It is in that realisation, everything gets sublimated. 

Eternal ships of Friends….

 A long time back, we had a friends group called Tennis Mafia, (we still have that group, though some of them have moved out of Tranquil).  Some of us were good in Tennis. Some of us were learning to play.  And I and others, had organized a tournament (that too prize money one) . During one match, Sheik and LP@HP were playing against irrepressible Erode Subbu and his teammate.  I was trying to officiate the match.  On some incident, there was very heated argument between Sheik and me. And as I was storming out of the court literally fuming, I heard Sheik saying, “Vishy you are my friend and you won’t walk away, regardless of what is the matter” and I turned around. That was kind of walking over the water and reaching out.  And that match ended.  Subbu and his teammate won that game. Sheik and LP@HP lost Tournament got over. Prize money was given.  Subbu and his teammate got that purse.  I had moved out of Tranquil.  Life continued and our friendship too. Still, he was one of those to whom I reach out in hours of distress. I can count on him. So he can too.

Btw there are a few more in my group of anamcara friends.  That was one of the real blessing of my life.

If the previous one is on the left side of the balance of challenge, the next life story is on the right most side.  I met Komal some 25 years ago at a Landmark Forum seminar. Others whom I had met there and with whom I am in still touch are  L.H. Rao , ( who has been kind mentor) and Deepa Vaishnavi ( A good friend).  In those 4 days of workshop, Komal and I became of best of friends. And Even after 25 years in between, we feel the same way even now.

In between I did endure a catastrophic experience in my life ( leave alone traumatic).  Lost my job, my father, my father in law, another close relative  etc. all within a few days.  And the brutal merciless job ouster came after some 8- 9 months of Satyagraha after I let go a green card to the green apple. (  Don’t want to share many details about that  as almost all the characters in that story are still alive and kicking. Some of them Gods with legs or spine of clay.) That time I did feel, quite deeply and strongly that I was left on my own to bear the pain and suffering and I strongly felt, Komal could have helped me out a lot more. Every time Komal  used to visit Bangalore,  he used to have dinner with Thara and I at our home. During those time, once he landed for dinner and I hardly spoke to him. Thara did all the talking. After dinner, we did take a small walk outside for some after dinner ice cream. But silence continued. I did feel that day, was the closure of one good chapter in my life.  It did not end that way, only due to his large heartedness and compassion.  Currently he is a Business leader, may be responsible for close to couple of Billion dollars of annual revenue and thousands of people.

An Ephemeral Comet of friend- ship

To start with , in this instance, I rather  limit the story and descriptions  to bare minimum so that the identity is not compromised at all. She is a fiercely private person and got to honour that. Secondly, due to the recency effect, any detached and nonprejudiced way of presenting the story is not possible. And thirdly but most importantly she was my Coachee once and I have a solemn commitment towards her wellbeing in all respects.

This story starts , when she sacked me as a Coach as she started considering  me as a friend. And then that  ship too got wrecked in just 14 days. The  following pic from my good Bodhi sangha brother Inaki Roldos collection, ‘https://in.pinterest.com/pin/261419953350887398/   , beautifully and succinctly captures the essence of what went wrong.

Then both of us were/are  good enough human beings who really meant well for each other and quite graciously wished each other well and moved on. ( Surely not before some heated debates and heartburns ) .

Then, we all, in our innermost existence, share common longings for joy, peace, love and freedom. Regardless, how well intentioned we are,  we all makes mistakes, sometimes we are utterly confused, and we inflict pain and endure it too. . Most importantly , we all get entangled in our personal narratives and perspectives, facing deep disappointment and making and breaking attachments. The truth of the matter is those who hurt us might be seeking the same things we desire for ourselves. Once we peel away all the layers self-righteous storytelling, anger, and pain, we can find an oasis  of peace and gratitude.

Some time back, a friend showed me the Winter triangle of stars on the western skyline of The Little Flower Zendo as we were all stepping out of the Zendo after evening music mediation. The other day , as I stepped  out of the Zendo  after closing the door  for the day, rather quite unconsciously, I glanced up to see on that distant skyline, whether a comet passes through over there.. Then, I wistfully reminisced  that even Halley’s comet, only known short-period comet visible to naked eye from the Earth, returns once every 75 years. That too for a few fleeting seconds!

Some friendships are like that.  Like the friendship between Halley’s Comet and Earth.

Zen concept of Mono No Aware

In fact Zen has a beautiful concept called: Mono No Aware … It refers to the awareness of the impermanence of things and the bittersweet feeling that comes with it. The sadness or wistfulness that comes from  the awareness of things' transience.

 That is the reality of life.

A  solitary walker , on “The Way”  should be thankful for everything….Because no matter what happens , everything is perfect in its own way.

Some insightful  Home Truths

The strength of the Chain is its weakest link.

  A relationship between two humans are made by many points of connection.  Those connections could be blood bonds in case of family , bonds of love, common interests, likes and dislikes, our need to survive, our wants , spiritual path chosen, areas of work,  etc.. While there are many visible chain which ties the ship of relation quite safely, like common interests , likes, dislikes etc, it is the invisible thread of  Trust and commitment between two hearts that is the weakest link.  As long as that thread stays unbroken, the ship of relations always sail regardless of the rough weather we face on our life.  Only the challenges and tests of day to day life can strengthen those chains.  In my life, the relationships which lasted were the ones which did survive all those storms of high seas.  Fair weather ships of relations may be safe at harbour. But they may sink at the first turbulence it meets at its wake 

There are Bonds which sets you free

 The moment we think about chain, many may picturise imprisoned by relationships.  One got to realise that there are strongest of bonds we have in our relationship, which really sets us free. And those bonds are the invisible threads of trust, commitment and unconditional love which sets each one of us free in a relationship.  Whether it is a marriage or friendship.

1. We are all Processes and not Products

When we nitpick and do accounting of the good and bad in others who are related to us, it is important to realise that every human is a process on the way to be better and not a finished product.  Every saint has a past and every sinner a future.  It is essential to give another a second chance. But never a third one

There are no angels and very few devils out there.

  As R. D. Laing wrote , “The Good men are aware of what is not good in them, while the bad is not .”  Almost all of us, are the in the grey band between absolute Lilly white angels and  black  band of devils.  Every time we point a finger at other self-righteously, we got to realise there  3 of our fingers points at us.

Love is a verb and not a noun

Love is an active expression and much beyond and feeling.  When you really love someone as in a marriage , friendship or other ships of relations, you actively show care, affection and commitment through actions.  Those actions, could be washing dishes or making a tea or just listening to them

Anicca , the Buddha’s law of impermanence

 Lastly but most importantly, everything is transient and temporal in nature. Even the ships of relations is not beyond the law of impermanence.  In this universe nothing lasts forever.  Even The Titanic has its shelf life.  Once it is wrecked, we can never create another Titanic with its pieces.

 But we can all create another ship of Relation.  That applies to ships of relations between  spouses and between a father and his children or between friends.