Too Cool for Nine to Five : Dharma Journey of the Ordinary 10

Too Cool for Nine to Five : Dharma Journey of the Ordinary 10

The very first metro of the day is a different creature from the ones that come after it.

I was on it that Thursday, on my way to meet KC and George for the Virajpet trip. Almost empty coach. The kind of quiet Namma Metro never has once the city wakes up. A young man got in a few stations later and sat across from me, laptop bag between his feet, and his T-shirt said, in a careful embroidered hand — Too cool for nine to five.

I read it twice. Then I did the thing I do, which is to sit with it instead of reaching for my phone to type in my random non thoughts.

I have never been cool. But I have been a long way from nine to five, and I found myself, somewhere between Majestic and the Kengeri Metro station, in Kanzeon again.

The day there started at 3:45. Not 3:45 as an idea — 3:45 as a bell, in the dark, with the waterfall already going. On most days there would be a mail from Fr. AMA timed at around 3:10 am. Then it was time to get ready for Zazen. Bhim slept inside the room only when it was too cold, or when Perumalmalai came under a blanket of mist for two or three days after a storm. He never understood why humans would get up before the birds do. After the early morning Zazen, whatever the day had decided for me, which was never something I had decided for myself. Book editing, writing, answering email queries from visitors and sangha members, cleaning, cooking, sitting, the small endless jobs of keeping a Zendo alive, sitting again, Bhim watching all of it with his usual lack of interest. The day ended when I was dead tired, which was the only clock that mattered by then. And many a time a coaching client of mine would call in late. I could not say no to that, because that was pocket money for Manu and Rishi. Three and a half years of that. Full time student, and assistant to a master who did not consult my preferences.

Nobody would put that on a T-shirt.

And yet, sitting across from that boy, I wasn't feeling superior. I was feeling wistful. Which surprised me, because by any honest count Kanzeon was a much worse deal than nine to five. Longer hours. No pay. No weekend. And here I was, missing it.

There is a Korean-German philosopher, Byung-Chul Han, who wrote a small book called The Burnout Society. His argument is simple and it has stayed with me. Older societies ran on "you must." The boss, the church, the rules, the clock. Ours runs on "you can, you could." Anything is possible, your best life is still out there, unlived, so get on with it. Nobody is standing over you anymore. You are standing over yourself. Han calls it self-exploitation, and says it is more efficient than any master could ever be, because there is no one left to rebel against. The whip and the back it lands on belong to the same person.

That boy on the metro was free. Free of the boss, free of the clock, on the first train of the day with his work on his shoulder. He will be at it long after five, I suspect. Not because anyone told him to. Because he can. And because he is not free from himself.

Here is what I didn't understand when I was in Kanzeon and only understood on that train.

The 3:45 bell was a "you must." The schedule was a "you must." The master was, most definitely, a "you must." And somehow that rested me. When the han sounds you don't decide anything. You get up. When the bell rings you sit. When the food comes you eat it. There is nothing to optimise, nobody to impress, no better version of the morning you could have had if only you had tried harder. The form holds you, so you don't have to hold yourself. For three and a half years the boss inside me — the one that has run my life since school, the one that never once said well done — had nothing to do. He came along, of course. He sat behind me in the zendo for the first few months, telling me my posture was poor and my breath was wrong and everyone else was getting it faster. And then one day, I couldn't tell you which, he went quiet. Not defeated. Just — unemployed.

Baizhang, the old Chinese master, had a rule for his monastery. A day without work is a day without food. People read that as harshness. I read it now as kindness. He was handing his monks a "you must" so that the "you can" could finally shut up.

I was tired at Kanzeon in a way I have not been tired since. It was the tiredness of a body that has done what the day asked and is now done. Han has a phrase for the other kind — the tiredness of the achievement society, which he says is a lonely tiredness, one that separates. And he has a phrase for the first kind too. A tiredness that trusts the world.

That is what I was missing on the metro. Not the Zendo. The trust.

The boy got off at the same station I did. Laptop bag, long stride, already somewhere else in his head. I hope he finds a bell one day. Something outside himself that says, this and not that, now and not later, enough and not more. It doesn't have to be a Zendo. It can be a dog who needs walking at seven, when the sun starts smiling at the birds. It can be a stream that has no name and no opinion about your quarterly targets.

Even Bhim, my Zendog master, had a bell. He never heard it as one. He got up when the birds did, ate when the bowl came, slept when the mist rolled in. He didn't need a bell. He was the bell. The highest form of spirituality is when one is the act itself. Bhim never knew that. That is how I know he had it.

I used to think form was the opposite of freedom. Three and a half years of a schedule I didn't write taught me the other way round. The boss inside treats everything as a means. Sit so you'll be calmer, work so you'll be free, and the end is always one more effort away. The bell doesn't work like that. It asks for the sitting, and the sitting is the whole of it. There is a difference between means and ends. When the means and the end are one, that is when the must starts working for you, instead of you working for it.

I still get up early. Old habits. But nobody rings a bell anymore, and I notice the difference.

Here is the thing under the thing. Most of us live with some end in mind. A better job, a calmer mind, a version of ourselves that hasn't arrived yet. Then we put our striving to work as the means of getting there. It doesn't matter much whether the striving says "you must" or "you can." Once it is a means to somewhere else, it has a boss, and the boss is us. That is how the oppressor and the oppressed end up being one person. Zen has only one thing to say about this, and it says it flatly. The means is the end. You do zazen for the sake of doing zazen. Not to become calm, not to become wise, not to become anything. Becoming always lives in the future. Keep your eyes on who you are becoming and you will never once be here, in any of the nows you actually get. The bell at Kanzeon never once asked what my sitting was for. That is why it rested me. There was nowhere the morning was trying to get to.

On those mornings I sit anyway. Not because I can.

Because I must. And that, it turns out, is the freer of the two.

The Distance They Built On Purpose — For the Silence in Our Minds…

The Distance They Built On Purpose — For the Silence in Our Minds…

One of my coaching clients is a high-flyer in the corporate world. He often calls me on his way to the airport, or while waiting for take-off, when there's something important he wants to discuss between our scheduled sessions. I've often sensed he doesn't want to let a single waking moment go unproductive. In many of our calls, we end up discussing strategies for doing less—so that he can carve out some stillness in his workday. But for him, it has been genuinely difficult to let go of his old ways of working.

That struggle came to mind recently when somebody shared the reason why arrival gates were moved so far from baggage claim in airports. It was based on research done at Houston's George Bush Intercontinental Airport. Passengers only took a minute to walk from the gate to baggage claim, then waited seven more minutes for their bags — and complaints kept pouring in even after wait times were reduced. So the airport moved the gates farther away and routed bags to the outermost carousel. The total time to get your bags stayed the same, but now most of it was spent walking instead of standing still. Complaints dropped to near zero. Now several airports design around that insight.

The essence: human beings attribute silence and waiting to being unproductive, of no value — and any action, any time-filler, to being productive, even when nothing has actually changed. The mind doesn't measure what happened. It measures what it was busy doing while it happened. That is the business of busy-ness. Especially in this attention economy.

This is, in some ways, exactly what Kokoro-Zen-Do in Action bets against. KZD is a year-long online circle of twelve — a small mandala of practice, not a retreat weekend — built around the Enso, the single unbroken brushstroke Zen uses to picture wholeness. Twelve people, twelve months, twelve Petals, each carrying its own Mirror Text and Practice Gate, moving through three Arcs: rooting the self, embodying the heart, and finally glimpsing what Zen calls the liberating view. Nothing about it is designed to feel like a workshop. It is designed to feel like a year — which is precisely where it runs headlong into the Houston problem.

I feel this reflects in the cohort members' responses to this long-drawn course as well. Everyone looks forward to jam-packed, wisdom-per-minute, high-energy sessions over a weekend or three-four days. But when the learning is spread over a year, with enough time in between for silence and reflection, people feel it isn't productive for them. Even if the whole journey is designed to unearth their own wisdom within themselves. Nothing is technically missing in those quiet stretches — the walk is happening either way — but because it isn't dressed up as motion, it doesn't register as progress. That's an indicator of how modern capitalism has conditioned human beings — we've learned to trust the walk and distrust the wait, even when the wait is where the actual work is being done. Most people don't realise this until they're inside a year long practice — the discomfort isn't from lack of progress, but from lack of visible motion.

When François, a French martial artist, who had spent some 2 decades in China and Japan to perfect his Taichi, took 3-4 weeks to teach us Wuji, the empty stance before our Taichi steps began. Whenever he noticed a frustrated face in our small Taichi class at the Zendo, he used to tell us, unless we learn to stand still, we won't learn to move in Taichi. And for those who are used to the busy-ness of life's business, it gets very tough to still body and mind. Once when I asked him, if this suited a slow motion exercise system like Taichi, he spoke about Taiki-Ken, which is similarly foundational for Kung fu practitioners. That entire system is built on the foundation of Ritsu-zen (立禅, "standing Zen"). And it is not a warm-up before the "real" training.

And it is not about standing still. Serious Zen practitioners move from active breath practices in Zazen, to Shikantaza (just sitting) to sit without doing anything particular. Not even with an intent to meditate within a Zendo. In fact, in Zen traditions, there's a word for this: boketto—the practice of gazing at nothing in particular, unfocused, with no goal attached to the looking. It cannot be optimised or performed for anyone watching. Which is precisely why it's so hard to sell to a mind trained to only trust what looks like effort. Boketto is what a yearlong mandala quietly trains — the ability to stay with the space where nothing seems to be happening.

Alan Watts made a similar point in Still the Mind — a mind that never stops thinking has nothing left to think about except itself. There is no room left for anything else to land, not even the world as it actually is. François was training the body to make that room. Boketto trains the eyes to do the same. The mind has always been the last student in that class.

Lao Tzu saw this before airports existed. Thirty spokes meet at a hub, he wrote in the Tao Te Ching's eleventh verse, but it's the hollow center — the part with nothing in it — that lets the wheel actually turn. A vessel is shaped from clay, yet its usefulness lives in the emptiness it holds. A room is cut out of walls with doors and windows, and the room becomes liveable only because of the space that isn't wall. Being gives us the form, he says, but non-being is what we use.

It's the same grammar as silence between notes making the music, the space between bars holding up the song, the window being nothing but a hole that lets the house breathe. We keep admiring the spokes, the clay, the wall — the visible, countable, fundable parts — and forget that none of it works without the hollow at the centre.

Most transformation programs are like 2-minute instant noodles — a packaged, guided tour for those who want instant nirvana. But does it work like that? There are no quick fixes to integrate our shadow and steady the inner life thru stilling the mind. It takes a consistent practice in building our awareness and presence. In fact, after the great success of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one habit that got conditioned, is to have a number of steps/processes for anything and everything in life. Life does not work that way. While there are great similarities and commonalities across all human lives, there is a uniqueness too. The first step in our own transformational journey is to be aware of that uniqueness within ourselves. Where Buddha differentiated himself from others is his realisation about this. Appo Deepo Bhava seems to be his greatest teaching. His own way of saluting his students, Kalyana Mitra has modern resonance in the Irish word of Anamcara pal.

A year-long practice runs on exactly that natural principle. The Petals are the spokes. The time of unscheduled quiet between them is the hub. You cannot wipe blood clean with more blood. And there's no way to find that inner silence and stillness in our minds by adding more thoughts — however sacred they sound, however ancient they are.

Cohort 2 of Kokoro-Zen-Do in Action opens later this year, beginning late November — for anyone ready to walk a year built around the hub instead of the spokes. Write to me at vishy.sankara@kokorozendo.life — start with one thing you're trying to slow down.

Anamcara: Dharma Journey of the Ordinary — Passage 9

Anamcara: Dharma Journey of the Ordinary — Passage 9

I went to Kanzeon looking for silence. Literally, and then the other kind.

The tinnitus had gotten loud that year. Depression came with it, the way water comes with monsoon — not really separate things. Fr. AMA prescribed zazen and ACT. I took the prescription the way I take most things once I decide to take them at all — completely. There should be a word for that. Hundred and ten percent sincere commitment. There isn't one, so I'll leave it there.

Then I found the waterfall.

The Zendo sits hemmed between hills forest and market place at Perumalmalai, and the falls run behind it, loud enough to argue with your own thoughts. Taoism has a lot to say about flowing water. I knew that going in. What I didn't know is that dogs are healers too. Bhim taught me that — Zendog, master of sitting still and looking unimpressed, more compassionate than most humans I've sat across from. Jackie Mu taught it differently, quieter. Dogs never once try to fix you, the way counsellors and coaches and spiritual gurus do. Bhim wasn't lying there thinking, how can I help this human find equanimity. He was just lying there. Being.

There's an old Zen story. A student asks the master, what is the Way. The master points to a pine tree. Do you see that tree? The student says yes. The master says, there. That's it.

Bhim was the pine tree. So was the waterfall. Neither needed me to be anything other than what I was.

Silence showed up in patches. Sometimes during zazen. Sometimes off it. And the moment I noticed it — the moment I thought, ah, here it is — it left. That's the joke silence plays on you. You can't catch it looking.

Somewhere in there I stopped trying to cure the tinnitus.

I don't know exactly when. There wasn't a moment I could point to and say, this is where I let go. It just stopped being an enemy and started being a companion instead. An anamcara. A soul-friend that never once asked to be fixed, only to be sat with. The waterfall did the same thing without my noticing — the sound of it stopped being background and became company too. Monsoon turned the volume up. I remember wondering, packing up to leave, whether I'd miss it.

Thursday I went to Balamavathi near Nelaji, Kodagu with Fr. KC Thomas and George Kunnathu, to see a place they and their friends bought for a proposed retreat centre. Beautiful place. Something magical in the air, the sky, the water, the earth, the trees. Where Kanzeon is hemmed in — hills on one side, a market place on the other, chicken and mutton stalls, the Surya tea stall, a church, a temple, a mosque, all elbowing each other — this one is virgin forest. Not many feet have walked that ground. It sits in zazen between Brahmagiri and Talakaveri, two wildlife reserves standing guard on either side, and a stream runs along the border. They call it a thodu here, in Kodagu. It comes down from Brahmagiri and eventually finds the Kaveri, before the Kaveri leaves the forest and becomes everyone's river.

I asked George what the thodu was called.

He didn't know.

I told George and KC something Marx once wrote — that private ownership of the earth by individuals will one day look as absurd as one man owning another.

Good, I thought. Let it stay unnamed. Let that water be free of the minds of humans — free of the naming, the surveying, the deciding-what-a-thing-is that we can't help doing to everything we touch. The Tao Te Ching says the nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth, the named is the mother of ten thousand things. A stream doesn't need a name to know where it's going.

I closed my eyes and listened. And under the thodu, I heard the other water — the Kanzeon falls, still running somewhere behind my ears, months later and several hills away. Sidney Rosen wrote a book about Milton Erickson called My Voice Will Go With You. He meant it about hypnosis, about a suggestion that outlives the session. Water does the same thing to a person. Sit with a sound long enough, and it stops needing you to be present to keep playing.

Here's the koan of it, the one nobody handed me in dokusan but I worked out anyway. I didn't go to Kanzeon seeking a companion. I went seeking a cure. The cure never came. The companion did — and it wasn't the waterfall, and it wasn't Bhim. It was the tinnitus itself. The ringing in my own ears became the anamcara. The thing I went there to get rid of is the thing that stayed.

I opened my eyes and looked around for Bhim. Half expecting him, the way you look for someone out of habit long after they've stopped being where you left them.

I think I saw him too. I still carry his name tag in my wallet. May be the only thing that has some worth in that wallet .

That's the dharma journey of the ordinary: we go looking for one thing, and we receive something else entirely. And the something else is always more than we knew to ask for.

 "A stream doesn't need a name to know where it's going."

Guess ..Neither do I to just keep going. And the water comes with me. And the ringing . And Bhim's name tag in my  wallet too.

That's enough. That's everything.

 

Dharma Journey of the OrdinaryPassage 6: What the Mind Edits, Mindlessly…

Dharma Journey of the OrdinaryPassage 6: What the Mind Edits, Mindlessly…

Blink, and the world does not go dark. It should. For that fraction of a second, the eye sends nothing. But you never see the gap. The brain hides it from you before you can ask.

The eyes do this even without blinking. They jump, several times a second, all day. Each jump should smear the world like a hand dragged across a wet painting. You have never once seen the smear.

There is a hole in each eye too. A small blind spot, off to the side, where the optic nerve leaves the retina. No light lands there, ever. But you do not see a hole. You see wall, or sky, or your dog’s (or cat’s)  face, unbroken. The brain does not just hide this gap. It invents what should be there and hands it to you as seen.

A room full of talk, and you hear one voice clearly. The other conversations did not fade. They were never let in. Something was listening on your behalf, choosing, before you had a vote.

And the mind wanders. You do not notice yourself leaving. You notice, later, that you were gone. The going and the return arrive as one seamless moment. There was no seam to catch.

I have been hearing since I was born. I did not start listening until I was blessed with tinnitus.

I have tinnitus. Bad enough most days. A sound in my ears that never actually stops.

There are hours I do not hear it at all.

Not because it went quiet. It did not. My own nervous system decided, without asking me, that the sound was not worth my attention, and stopped forwarding it. Then something shifts, some hour, for no reason I can name, and it is back — screaming, as it turns out, the entire time.

The silence was never real. Only the report of silence was real. And it lied to me, for hours, out of what — mercy, laziness, indifference — I do not know.

But that scream, when it came back, was the first honest thing my own body ever handed me. Silence had been the lie. The tinnitus was the one telling the truth. I had to fall sick to find out I had never really listened.

Somewhere in my depression days, I read too much. How humans actually hear. What the medicine Dr. Raja Hiremani gave me was doing, underneath. I read enough to have written a thesis, if a thesis had been what I needed.

The first time I noticed my own breath, I was in the ninth standard, in a canal near Malappuram, at an NCC camp, going under. Almost drowning. Nobody teaches you to notice breath. You notice it when it is about to be taken from you. That was not peace. That was panic.

Vipassana came later. Ten days of sitting with nothing else to do but notice it on purpose, instead of being nearly drowned into it.

At the Zendo, it moved from breath to sight. Tavutau — sitting, doing nothing, looking. Bhim, the Zendog, and I in front of K4, Perumalmalai across from us, forest, cloud, sky, that Malabar squirrel, monkeys, birds. No agenda. Some days tavutau. Some days just a dog and a man in front of the Zendo, looking at a mountain — which, with Bhim, was always the teaching, whether he called it one or not.

Sleep is a stranger kind of gap. You do not experience falling asleep. During the depression days, sleep would not come. Dr. Hiremani once told me and Thara, I might need intravenous medicine for it, that is how bad it had gotten.

At the Zendo, practicing full time, sleep became easy. Too easy. I built a routine around it. I boasted I could sleep anywhere — even a railway platform. In fact I could. Slept soundly for some six months listening to the roar of the Zendo waterfall.

But I could never witness myself falling asleep. Not once. Every morning, waking early for zazen, the same thought arrived — I missed it again. Maybe tonight. After all, I thought Zen is about being aware.

I never was.

This is Ma. Not the pause between the notes. The one who would have heard the pause, switched off for the length of the pause itself. Not smoothed over — gone, for that instant, and back before anyone could notice the absence. The brain does not just hide the gap. It hides the part of you that would have objected to the gap.

How much of a day is like this. How much of a life.

But the moment I notice the lie — that moment is not edited. That much gets through.

So here is the practice, if there is one. Stop trying to catch the gap. Sit with Bhim, look at Perumalmalai. When the tinnitus screams, let it scream. When it goes quiet, let it go quiet. Notice only the one who noticed.

Gasshō.

Passage 5: The Reclaimed Desk: Jinen or just Friday…

Passage 5: The Reclaimed Desk: Jinen or just Friday…

Three and a half years ago, this nest held most of my waking hours. Then, shukko — and I handed it to Thara. Every visit home to Manthari after, I worked from the dining table. A guest at my own desk.

I left the zendo with half a mind toward the Buddha Way walk. Came home to Manthari instead, for a while. Manthari — a speck of this earth. No one really owns a speck of earth.

No discussion. At the end of the day, the desk was simply there again, waiting. Dana done in silence. Not owed. Given.

I cleared it. Not cleaned — cleared. There is a difference.

The blue Buddha came out from behind a stack of old journals. He did not ask to be dusted. I dusted him anyway.

Books went back to shelves they had left months ago. Six Outliers next to Zen and the Birds of Appetite, no one minding the neighbours. A printer hums where a printer should hum. The lamp bends its neck exactly as before.

A Sennheiser mic sits new on the desk. Last month's Bodhi Sangha book club, Arundhati Roy's Mother Mary Comes to Me — hearing her read her own words aloud, something shifted. Maybe the scribbles I keep should be read too, not just written.

The MacBook took new colours too. And with it, my last rupee. Somewhere between the mic and the machine, the bank account emptied itself out — a shodhana of its own kind, unplanned and unglamorous. Emptiness everywhere now. Some of it profound. Some of it just the statement balance.

Santiago went all the way to the Pyramids to learn the treasure was buried where he started. I took the journey too — shukko, three and a half years moving with the master in a zendo, learning what the desk already knew.

Nothing was planned about  this. It happened the way water finds the low place — no ceremony, just the old shape asserting itself again. Jinen, if you want the word for it. Or just Friday, if you don't.

Natalie Goldberg wrote of freeing the writer within. Something in me came loose at the zendo, I think — freed. But freedom that stays on the desk is only half of it. Jonathan Livingston Seagull did not learn to fly to sit on the rock admiring the flying. Now the mic, the machine, the emptied account. Wings, maybe. Or the wanting of them.

The desk isn't waiting for a masterpiece. It's just a desk. The readiness is not about having the right idea, the right equipment, the right financial stability. It's about showing up. The printer hums. The lamp bends. The keyboard is cool under the hands.

What gets written next? The piece doesn't tell us. It doesn't need to. The writer has returned to the place where writing happens, and that — for now — is enough.

Dharma journey of the ordinary:  Passage 4… Eggxactly! A mindful challenge?

Dharma journey of the ordinary:  Passage 4… Eggxactly! A mindful challenge?

This is not about chicken-egg problem. Whether chicken arrived first or egg … That has been resolved beyond any doubt.  Which came a bit late in our civilizational march towards thinking machines. Almost like that cure for common cold.

One of the challenges I faced at Zendo was not at Zabuton or dokusan room trying to present my nonanswers to koan.. But at the dining hall. Especially during breakfast time. There were a few, who still went by their dietician’s menu in a low budgeted zendo. They were proteinmaniacs.  And if they are up ahead in the Q after our Meal Gatha, most often the last ones in the line, ended up as vegans for the day.  After due brain storming with Prakash, our Zendo manager. ( whom I think of very highly. I always tell him, he is at the wrong place. If he is working for a Corporate, he would end up as CEO if not Chairman of that company. And most often, a hearty laugh would be his answer.)  we came up with a koan like note to be placed near the Egg tray.  “You can have as many eggs you want, after everyone else gets their first serving. “

Though many our guest meditators did like that, it did not solve the problem. There were heated exchanges and some heavy armor was called in to quell the egg rebellion.

I had almost forgotten about it until , this message from a recent  workshop popped in my WhatsApp.  “When you take eggs for breakfast be mindful of others. Those who come last are not getting.”

So I reckon, Eggxactly problem is not a local one, But a universal one. Especially in programs which tries to instill mindfulness.:) .

Almost 20 years ago, I attended an year long management program at  IIMB. The highlight of it was  the courses taken by redoubtable  Prof . Vaidyanathan. He taught us a course, Investment analysis and Risk management. One of the lessons I remember from that course ( may be the only lesson I remember from that course !) was his inputs on why we should start in a buffet from the desserts side , especially after that course.

Not so sure, Eggxactly mindful problem has any link to that.

Once upon a time, there was a good monthly magazine called Readers Digest. ( This is for Genz)… a mixture ( or avial) of everything.. A motivational story, some lessons/quizzes on words/vocabulary , some features and then a some quotable jokes. This joke as I remember goes like this.  “ In a seminary, during the snacks break, on the dining table , tow trays were kept at both ends.  One tray had biscuits and and another apples.  In the biscuit tray , there was a small note.  Pls be mindful of others and take only one biscuit. God is watching you.”… Sooner, another small note came near the Apple tray..  “Take as many apples as you want.  God is busy watching the biscuit tray”.

Not so sure Meister Eckhart figured in that seminary syllabus.  He said and I quote “The eyes with which you see the God are the same eyes with which God sees you.”

You, as the God, is watching not only biscuits, apples but eggs too. 

And God often uses eggs to crack open the illusion of a separate self who must scramble to get its share. 

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