Zendo for the heartmind

kokorozendo.life

Navigating the Seas of Life with Relation-ships: Sailing, Sinking, and Staying Afloat

Navigating the Seas of Life with Relation-ships: Sailing, Sinking, and Staying Afloat

by | Feb 3, 2025 | Change, Compassion, Friendship, Harmony, Relationships, Zen

Not by choice-   could not write anything for a while.

Heart mind was parched and dry… In a world where even rivers dies down due to thirst, heart minds can go parched and dry too. This got written by itself. Though it is written with ink laced with my heart blood and bones from cartilage as pen.  It ended up as a long passage. Though I wrote about my life and relationships in it, the similar characters might have made an appearance in your life stage as well. It is as much as about you as well as me.

 

Yes. This blog is about ships of Relations in my sea of life … Or anyone’s sea of life… And those “ships” (relations) – while many of them still sail well calmly and collectedly  in choppy and turbulent high seas, some did sink in placid lakes and a few still stay afloat even after they got wrecked.  May be I am still holding on to those shattered pieces to stop from drowning.

Happy reading…. If you stay course till the very end and reach the other shore , pls drop in a message to me 

Unsinkable (relation) ship!

"There is no danger that Titanic will sink. The boat is unsinkable and nothing but inconvenience will be suffered by the passengers." Phillip Franklin, White Star Line vice-president, 1912. ( The company which owned The Titanic )

Words that have gone down in history, for all the wrong reasons.

At latitude 41° 43' 32" north, longitude 49° 56' 49" west, 370 miles (595 kilometres) southeast of Halifax, Nova Scotia, 2.5 miles (4 km) down lays the wreck of the RMS Titanic. The rust-coloured remains rest in two parts, the stern around 2,000 feet (600 metres) from the bow and facing in opposite directions.”

[https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20120402-the-myth-of-the-unsinkable-ship#:~:text="There%20is%20no,in%20opposite%20directions.]

 

(Pic courtesy: Copilot designer)

 

Krishnamurti on Relation-ships:

 I was a Hardcore Krishnamurti-ite once.  Devouring everything he had written.  

One of the quotes that stayed with me is:

“Relationship is the mirror in which we see ourselves as we are.”  

Rest of his quote goes like this ,  “ All life is a movement in relationship. There is no living thing on earth that is not related to something or other. Even the hermit that abandons the world and goes into some lonely spot is related to the past, is related to those who are around him. There is no escape from relationship. And in that relationship, which is the mirror in which we can see ourselves, in that relationship we can discover what we are: our reactions, our prejudices, our fears, depressions, anxieties, loneliness, sorrow, pain, grief.”

Types of “Ships” of Relations:  “I” Chose, Chosen by (Other) and Choiceless (?) “

There are relationships, where you  choose. You can choose your spouse, your friends, your neighbours (to an extent), your boss and colleagues and clients ( again to an extent). OF course you can choose your spiritual guru. In Zen tradition it works both ways. A disciple / student got to accept the Master, and the Master got to accept the disciple.  These choices are informed ( sometimes very illiterate  choices).  Though, I do know now, our so called Free will is limited, still we can exercise to an extent. We can’t blame Destiny for these set of choices and relation- ships.

Many a times, when you choose someone else, you also get chosen by someone else. Your Zen master is an example.  Same goes with your Coach or Therapist.

Then some of the relationships, are Choiceless ones … Those are the Rummy cards dealt to us by the destiny for this round of the game.  Our grandparents, parents, siblings, sons and other blood relatives. We can’t choose them. They just happen to us. They too can’t choose us. We just happen to them.  Even after the initial set of 13 cards, the cards you choose from a stockpile, you don’t have any way of choosing it by knowing that card beforehand.  So, it is luck and destiny.  We have the option of scooting and getting out of the game or it is for us to play this game in this round of life. Some discard some cards to the waste pile, have not you seen, broken relationships amongst siblings, cousins, children abandoning their parents, parents abandoning their children etc. I do have my share of broken relationships. And   Some play wisely to create melds out of the available cards and win the game. 

 

And then there are  Unconditional Relationships: Some relationships, regardless whether they are chosen by you , you got chosen or choiceless,  transcend circumstances, with people reaching out to each other regardless of situations, exemplified  closest family and friends. Especially Dunbar’s inner circles and I call them anamcara friends.  The term soul friend, comes from the Irish words anam, meaning “soul” and cara meaning friend. In Celtic tradition , soul friends are considered  an essential part of spiritual development.  ( there is a wonderful book by  John O’Donohue  AnamCara : A book of Celtic Wisdom.)n

Dunbar’s magic Number on # of relationships:

Regardless whether your relationships are chosen by you, or you get chosen or choiceless ones,  Dunbar’s magic number applies.

Dunbar's theory, often referred to as Dunbar's number, suggests that people can maintain a maximum of 150 relationships. This number is broken down into layers of closeness:

The tightest circle consists of five loved ones.

  • Followed by 15 good friends.
  • Then 50 friends.
  • 150 meaningful contacts.
  • 500 acquaintances.
  • And finally, 1500 people you can recognize1.

This theory highlights the cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships. It emphasizes the importance of these layers in understanding the dynamics of human social interactions. 

U might be wondering what is the relevance of this.  In this era  of social media life, they all get muddled. In real life,  most of our relationships comes from family, friends , work and community we belong to.

There was one quote which says , “ “Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.” .  I would add to it Work and Friends as well.  IN fact, most of our waking hours we spent in earning a living and many a times, we don’t consider that as part of our life.  People talk about Work and Life balance as if. Work happens in some other planet and not part of our life.  In my life, people whom I met at workplace, had a lot of significance in my life even in my spiritual path.  My Bosses like RBala, late SMR, Ishwar, Brij etc were all spiritually and humanely evolved.  They merit a focussed blog.  This one I am going to focus on family and friends.

Theory and Practice:

All these are theories.  The proof of the pudding is in eating.  I mean Living. The first great lesson I learnt on Relationship came from a  Jesuit priest , quite ironically.   Dr. Richard McHugh who left his family to be a priest and country in which he was born to serve another country and culture  and who never got married was an unlikely candidate to be a relationship coach.  But he ended up as on in my life and Thara ‘s life too.  

Dr Richard McHugh and NLP

It is Venerable NLP Guru. Dr. Richard McHugh who taught me how to make relationships work. I got to write about Dick McHugh, because he was the first Guru for Thara and I.  Thara used to have a pathological hatred for Guruhood, but she accepted Richard as one.

Dick McHugh was a American Jesuit Priest who made India his home.  He later worked with Tony DeMello at Sadhana in Pune for a long time. Tony DeMello was his close friend.  He learnt NLP from Bandler and Grinder, when those founders of NLP were still together.   After untimely death of Tony DeMello, Dick McHugh started travelling around the world teaching NLP.  In USA, Europe and India.  In India every year he used to conduct 3 workshops.  In Jamshedpur, Bangalore and then Mumbai.  He used to visit Bangalore in the months of Feb and March every year and used to conduct his workshops in Ashirwad at St Marks Road. Those were never advertised in any way, but seats used to get booked months in advance..  

Credit for that should go to Daniel Pacheco. It was Dan who had asked us to attend Dick McHugh’s NLP seminar.  And Dan seems to have told Dick McHugh that he is sending a mule headed rationalist left brainer to his NLP class. I was not aware of that.  On the first day, it was a normal day.  And on the second day during lunch time, Dick McHugh called me and asked me to tell Dan, that he found that “Mule headed left brainer.”. I did not understand anything.  Though I did ask him, he just repeated his instructions. That day evening, the moment I reached home, I called Dan and conveyed the message.  Dan burst into laughing and shared this with me.

After that event, Dr. McHugh kind of adopted us as his favourite guinea pigs in that workshop. For demonstrating almost all those NLP exercises, he used to select either me or Thara.

Ashirwad, the place our workshop was held, is on a narrow by lane from St. Marks Road. During  our Basic NLP training,  they had dug up that road for laying some pipe. And on an evening, I was struggling to get our car out of the compound.  Thara got out of the car to guide me.  And soon our small car was in the ditch. Luckily those workers were still around and helped us out.  Little did we know that  Dr. McHugh was watching the whole drama from his room on the first floor of Ashirwad.

The next day morning, he started his session, narrating about the incident with that Cullinan smile on his face and twinkle in his eyes and  he said to the class, this is what happens when a  person with a high visual modality way of looking at the world. Guides someone like me with a dominant auditory modality.

That is how he taught us about the VAK modalities and how it impacts the way we communicate.  Infact , on quote he had shared on that day still  rings in my ears.  “The Meaning of your communication is the response you get. “.

The Eternal North Star of My Life.

Thara and I got married an year before that NLP workshop  in an arranged marriage.  No idea what made us  say YES  to each other. She and I  was born and brought up in absolutely different environments. As Dick McHugh had said to us, here is two people as different as chalk and cheese.  One example, Thara had her school education in  Church Park , one of the best convents in  Chennai while I had my school education , in a school which had the nickname as. Kerala Themmadi Memorial school. ( which translated as. Kerala Rascal Memorial School !)  .. While I was brought up in very liberal household,  Thara’s  home is one of the most conservative one I had ever seen.

So we had our great challenges of  finding our way  after our marriage. And  the month long NLP course we did with Dr. Richard McHugh was the turning point of the tide.  And from then on , every year when he used to visit Ashirwad for his course, we used to go and meet him and gift him an XXL T shirt.  And every single time, he used to tell Thara that he got to let go an older one from his small suitcase . He used to travel  around the world and live out of two small suitcases.

Not that the NLP workshop changed  the terrain of our life. We did have our ups and downs in life. But the earliest lesson from Richard McHugh was good enough to work synergistically to ensure  an uprise, every  time. we felt, it is going to hit nadir, the ship is going to sink.

In fact at this very point of penning this, we had just another major conflict.

She has been an eternal north star in my life and helped me through navigating my life so far. Even when, I had walked out a job with  a Green card in the promised land,  resigning from a fancy IT job to be a full time student at a University  or at the end of it all, totally broken down with catatonic depression after being thrown out an NGO, or moving to a Zendo as a full time Zen student….the list is endless.

An year back, when she came to Zendo,  during the dining table conversation, someone asked her whether she is joining the Sangha as well.  And I had replied while some got to practice Zen , some lives it.

While Thara means  star or radiance, to me she was/is/will be the eternal north star.

Coming of Age and out of prison…

I was all of  4.5 years old then.  I am absolutely sure.  It might have been during the last week of May or very early  June.  ALP School    was not opened yet but the Monsoon was about to start.  My parents advanced my date of birth on record so that   – handful-trouble-maker  is not  at home at least during school hours.  One of my uncle,  then recently graduated & jobless (job seeking )  was stepping out of the house for his evening timepass  with his friends.  He said something to me and my brother , and I did reply something.  Might have been quite disrespectful, it did trigger one of those outlier reaction of anger and violence from him.   Though there were enough small sticks commensurating  for a  small  brat available in a Kerala home, he chose to discipline a 4.5 year old, by  folding  a steel wire  used to  dry  washed clothes and used as  his batascoir. That was the worst thrashing I got in my life. Never before that or never after. (so far! and Thank Goodness🙂 ).     My poor mother did try to stop it without much success.  After my uncle left,  she just held on to me and tried to stop my sobbing. I guess she herself was crying. 

That is when monsoon rain came on that day and wiped my tears away.  Old style Kerala houses, do have those long verandas, wooden bench  and wooden grill instead of the wall.  It is kind of half open to the world and nature.  When  it rains,  one can sit on those  bench, resting one’s chin on the wooden rail looking at the rain for hours.  As the direction of rain changes and with some wind, one gets   needle shower on the face too.  It is quite hypnotically and can take one to another world altogether.  It ended up   being an anchor of joy and peace for me.  There is a Zen koan which says , blood cannot wash away blood, and thoughts can’t save you from more thoughts…. But I can tell you from my experience, raindrops from heaven can wipe away the tears of heart.

If egotism+arrogance+shorttemperedness+lackofgratitude managed to get a pair of hands, legs and a head, in my view, that would have his name on its forehead. And he used to treat /bully everyone else in his life the same way, he treated a 4.5 year old kid.   I could narrate many  many stories.  But i don’t want for two reasons.  At the very point of time, he himself is facing a moment of truth in life. It won’t be empathetic to add to his woes. And secondly this is about me more than him.

It took me many many  more years, unfortunately,  to realise that I don’t have to live in a prison cell I made it for myself when I was  a small kid.  Infact  45 years to realise that I am no more a 45 year old child.  Zen might have helped me.  The moment it hit me, when I was sitting in a  Marriage hall in Chikamngalore, I just ticked him out of my life.  And it was just liberating for me like coming out of age and out or prison.

Each one of us’ prison cells gets built when we were children.  We can’t get out of it, since those  prison bars are invisible to our mind.  Only when we become aware of those prison bars in our mind, we can set ourself free.  In Acceptance and commitment therapy, there is a wonderful exercise named  Observer exercise.  Even Zen meditation does help. Enlightenment is not some esoteric ever lasting bliss, but setting ourselves free from ourselves. When we become truly aware of Witness consciousness, then we realise that we are the prisoner , prison cells and guards too.  It is in that realisation, everything gets sublimated. 

 

Eternal ships of Friends….

 A long time back, we had a friends group called Tennis Mafia, (we still have that group, though some of them have moved out of Tranquil).  Some of us were good in Tennis. Some of us were learning to play.  And I and others, had organized a tournament (that too prize money one) . During one match, Sheik and LP@HP were playing against irrepressible Erode Subbu and his teammate.  I was trying to officiate the match.  On some incident, there was very heated argument between Sheik and me. And as I was storming out of the court literally fuming, I heard Sheik saying, “Vishy you are my friend and you won’t walk away, regardless of what is the matter” and I turned around. That was kind of walking over the water and reaching out.  And that match ended.  Subbu and his teammate won that game. Sheik and LP@HP lost Tournament got over. Prize money was given.  Subbu and his teammate got that purse.  I had moved out of Tranquil.  Life continued and our friendship too. Still, he was one of those to whom I reach out in hours of distress. I can count on him. So he can too.

Btw there are a few more in my group of anamcara friends.  That was one of the real blessing of my life.

If the previous one is on the left side of the balance of challenge, the next life story is on the right most side.  I met Komal some 25 years ago at a Landmark Forum seminar. Others whom I had met there and with whom I am in still touch are  L.H. Rao , ( who has been kind mentor) and Deepa Vaishnavi ( A good friend).  In those 4 days of workshop, Komal and I became of best of friends. And Even after 25 years in between, we feel the same way even now.

In between I did endure a catastrophic experience in my life ( leave alone traumatic).  Lost my job, my father, my father in law, another close relative  etc. all within a few days.  And the brutal merciless job ouster came after some 8- 9 months of Satyagraha after I let go a green card to the green apple. (  Don’t want to share many details about that  as almost all the characters in that story are still alive and kicking. Some of them Gods with legs or spine of clay.) That time I did feel, quite deeply and strongly that I was left on my own to bear the pain and suffering and I strongly felt, Komal could have helped me out a lot more. Every time Komal  used to visit Bangalore,  he used to have dinner with Thara and I at our home. During those time, once he landed for dinner and I hardly spoke to him. Thara did all the talking. After dinner, we did take a small walk outside for some after dinner ice cream. But silence continued. I did feel that day, was the closure of one good chapter in my life.  It did not end that way, only due to his large heartedness and compassion.  Currently he is a Business leader, may be responsible for close to couple of Billion dollars of annual revenue and thousands of people.

An Ephemeral Comet of friend- ship

To start with , in this instance, I rather  limit the story and descriptions  to bare minimum so that the identity is not compromised at all. She is a fiercely private person and got to honour that. Secondly, due to the recency effect, any detached and nonprejudiced way of presenting the story is not possible. And thirdly but most importantly she was my Coachee once and I have a solemn commitment towards her wellbeing in all respects.

This story starts , when she sacked me as a Coach as she started considering  me as a friend. And then that  ship too got wrecked in just 14 days. The  following pic from my good Bodhi sangha brother Inaki Roldos collection, ‘https://in.pinterest.com/pin/261419953350887398/   , beautifully and succinctly captures the essence of what went wrong.

Then both of us were/are  good enough human beings who really meant well for each other and quite graciously wished each other well and moved on. ( Surely not before some heated debates and heartburns ) .

Then, we all, in our innermost existence, share common longings for joy, peace, love and freedom. Regardless, how well intentioned we are,  we all makes mistakes, sometimes we are utterly confused, and we inflict pain and endure it too. . Most importantly , we all get entangled in our personal narratives and perspectives, facing deep disappointment and making and breaking attachments. The truth of the matter is those who hurt us might be seeking the same things we desire for ourselves. Once we peel away all the layers self-righteous storytelling, anger, and pain, we can find an oasis  of peace and gratitude.

Some time back, a friend showed me the Winter triangle of stars on the western skyline of The Little Flower Zendo as we were all stepping out of the Zendo after evening music mediation. The other day , as I stepped  out of the Zendo  after closing the door  for the day, rather quite unconsciously, I glanced up to see on that distant skyline, whether a comet passes through over there.. Then, I wistfully reminisced  that even Halley’s comet, only known short-period comet visible to naked eye from the Earth, returns once every 75 years. That too for a few fleeting seconds!

Some friendships are like that.  Like the friendship between Halley’s Comet and Earth.

Zen concept of Mono No Aware

In fact Zen has a beautiful concept called: Mono No Aware … It refers to the awareness of the impermanence of things and the bittersweet feeling that comes with it. The sadness or wistfulness that comes from  the awareness of things' transience.

 That is the reality of life.

A  solitary walker , on “The Way”  should be thankful for everything….Because no matter what happens , everything is perfect in its own way.

Some insightful  Home Truths

The strength of the Chain is its weakest link.

  A relationship between two humans are made by many points of connection.  Those connections could be blood bonds in case of family , bonds of love, common interests, likes and dislikes, our need to survive, our wants , spiritual path chosen, areas of work,  etc.. While there are many visible chain which ties the ship of relation quite safely, like common interests , likes, dislikes etc, it is the invisible thread of  Trust and commitment between two hearts that is the weakest link.  As long as that thread stays unbroken, the ship of relations always sail regardless of the rough weather we face on our life.  Only the challenges and tests of day to day life can strengthen those chains.  In my life, the relationships which lasted were the ones which did survive all those storms of high seas.  Fair weather ships of relations may be safe at harbour. But they may sink at the first turbulence it meets at its wake 

There are Bonds which sets you free

 The moment we think about chain, many may picturise imprisoned by relationships.  One got to realise that there are strongest of bonds we have in our relationship, which really sets us free. And those bonds are the invisible threads of trust, commitment and unconditional love which sets each one of us free in a relationship.  Whether it is a marriage or friendship.

  1. We are all Processes and not Products

When we nitpick and do accounting of the good and bad in others who are related to us, it is important to realise that every human is a process on the way to be better and not a finished product.  Every saint has a past and every sinner a future.  It is essential to give another a second chance. But never a third one

There are no angels and very few devils out there.

  As R. D. Laing wrote , “The Good men are aware of what is not good in them, while the bad is not .”  Almost all of us, are the in the grey band between absolute Lilly white angels and  black  band of devils.  Every time we point a finger at other self-righteously, we got to realise there  3 of our fingers points at us.

Love is a verb and not a noun

Love is an active expression and much beyond and feeling.  When you really love someone as in a marriage , friendship or other ships of relations, you actively show care, affection and commitment through actions.  Those actions, could be washing dishes or making a tea or just listening to them

Anicca , the Buddha’s law of impermanence

 Lastly but most importantly, everything is transient and temporal in nature. Even the ships of relations is not beyond the law of impermanence.  In this universe nothing lasts forever.  Even The Titanic has its shelf life.  Once it is wrecked, we can never create another Titanic with its pieces.

 But we can all create another ship of Relation.  That applies to ships of relations between  spouses and between a father and his children or between friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zendo Chronicles: Old year irresolution….

Zendo Chronicles: Old year irresolution….

by | Jan 1, 2025 | Harmony, Joy, Meditation, Transformation, Zen

Hmmm...

 Again, it is that day of the year. New year. And time for New year resolutions too.  There could be few gigabytes of content in Internet world on keeping new year resolutions and goals and achieving them too.  Several memes are also in circulation. 

As someone, who lives across many calendars, (in addition to World’s standard calendar Gregorian, Shaka Indian official calendar, Kolla Varsham Malayalam calendar and Tamil calendar), I often wonder what this fuss about is only Gregorian one! Especially with respect to making, keeping and breaking new year resolutions and goals.  The epidemic starts usually in the second week of December. Humans, get it into the act of “Reflecting the past year”. Some feel quite happy about what they achieve against the previous resolutions made…  Many even if they come very closer to their set goals, remain unhappy!!!  For them, their self-appraisal is always hovering about “On plan” or “Below plan” … They live by the dictum, unless you aim for the stars, you won’t even reach the sky.  And then there are many, who feel totally guilty about their lack of resoluteness, will power, look at their friend or neighbor, get a bit depressed about where they are in life stations and then buy the next step of self-help books and tapes…. And again, make another set of new year resolutions.

I know for sure, because I did live in each of those phases in different years in my own life. Luckily for me, I have outlived those and moved to living life.  One of the key learning from Fr. AMA was, we got to respond to life as it comes. Respond is the key word. Not react. It means, in a way, live day to day, even if not moment to moment. Only a true sage lives his/her life moment to moment. 

Since last year, I live life irresolutely.

Before last year as I started coming regular to Zendo, I made a new resolution that I will wake up and meditate every singe day.  And I did. I did wake up at 4:00 am or before that and meditated.  Even if I had slept after watching a El Classico or Champions trophy well past midnight, still I woke up at 4:00 am and meditated. When I travelled to Kodaikanal and back to Blr. Even in bus.  It continued. And I kept track of it in insight timer.

 

I also remembered the last paragraph , almost verbatim  the “Zen and art of archery” by  Eugen Herrigel.

Last December during the Xmas tine, when my count reached 360 and Ego at the top of Perumalmalai, very euphorically I shared the screen with Fr. AMA at the dinner table.

He had a good laugh and told me, “Vishy, what you are doing is not Zen.  Do you count your breath too and keep a tracker for it. You got to learn to be aware of your need, want, desire, ambition and greed. Our needs need no tracker. So too is Zen. You don’t practice it, You live Zen. “ .. That instant, my Ego balloon which was on top of the hill and closer to the moon, got deflated and I came back to the dining table there and then. I just let it go.

Not only I stopped tracking. I also stopped making those resolutions. I don’t have fixed goals now.  But I do maintain a checklist. Like file IT returns, Health insurance renewal for family etc.  But I stopped making those goals and create milestones on my WAY like AAA roadmap.

I do now know that my life and its way is not a mountaineering trip.  When I wake up, may be that day, I may have to cross a desert, or swim across a sea, or even walk and cross a busy Blr street or a small mountain stream in Kodaikanal.

For me Being takes precedence over becoming.

I knew that for quite some time.

 I did have a quote from Viktor Frankl at my desk for some 15 years. It read, “For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself”. 

I also remembered the last paragraph , almost verbatim  the “Zen and art of archery” by  Eugen Herrigel.

 

“The Master turned on me a glance which made me fear that I had insulted him  and then said:   “Come and see me this evening.”

I seated myself opposite to him on a cushion, He handed me tea, but did not speak a word. So, we sat for a long while. There was no sound but the singing of the kettle on the hot coals. At last, the Master rose and made me a sign to follow him. The practice hall was brightly lit. The master told me to put a taper, long and thin as a knitting needle in the sand in front of the target, but not to switch on the light in the target stand. It was so dark that I could not even see its outlines, and if the tiny flame of taper had not been there, I might perhaps have guessed the position of the target, though I could not have made it out with any precision. The Master “danced” the ceremony.  His first arrow shot out of dazzling brightness into deep night. I knew from the sound it had hit the target. The second arrow was a hit, too. When I switched on the light in the target stand, I discovered to my amazement that the first arrow was lodged full in the middle of the black, while the second arrow had splintered the butt of the first and ploughed through the shaft before embedding itself beside it.  I did not dare to pull the arrows out separately but carried them back together with the target. The Master surveyed them crucially.  “The First shot”, he then said, “was no great feat, you will think, because all these years I am so familiar with my target stand that I must know even in pitch darkness where the target is. That may be, and I won’t try to pretend otherwise. But the second arrow which hit the first, what do you think of that? I at any rate know that it is not I” who must be given credit for this shot. “IT” shot and “IT “made the hit. Let us bow to the goal as before the Buddha!”

The Master had evidently hit me, too with both arrows, I no longer succumbed to the temptation of worrying about my arrows and what happened to them.

Fr AMA too hit the arrow straight at my heart mind with his dismissing remark “Do you count your breath and keep track of that too!” 

I stopped that.

Not only for breath, but for goals in my  life and milestones on “THE WAY”.

Zen Chronicles:  the Orange to Joy on the WAY…

Zen Chronicles:  the Orange to Joy on the WAY…

by | Dec 23, 2024 | Harmony, Joy, Meditation, Transformation, Uncategorized, Zen

I might have got this during the times when I read Jon Krakauer’s “Into thin air”, a wonderful book on an Everest expedition.  It was on my pin board in front of my desk for a very long time.  It read

““Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

― William Hutchison Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Though later I found out that couplet attributed to Goethe’s was not entirely correct (What Goethe wrote in Faust was: “Enough words have been exchanged;
now at last let me see some deeds!”), that wonderful paragraph had/has a lot of character, energy and beauty in it. That passage did inspire me to no end, I did dive headlong into many initiatives in my life, without much preparation of planning, quite mindlessly I should say. Many a times I did end up getting the wrong end of the stick, burnt my fingers. But many a times, I did have a perfect landing… Right parents, right siblings, right schools and teachers , Right friends, right books, right music and movies, Right spouse and children, right mentors and coaches, right bosses, colleagues, team members and clients etc. .. endless list got to end with the Right way and Right Guru as well. But then occasionally also landed into rough weather, especially with career choices and monster bosses…  Still the adventure was quite worth it though not in cash or currency  .

 

Though I learnt from Zen practice and living that, all sentient being’s energy fields are mysteriously interconnected, I don’t know whether “the providence moves in our favor, the moment we commit.”  But it does not matter.  The moment we commit, it moves our will and action in life starts at the very moment.  May be the providence moves through us for what we commit.

 

It has been more than 12 years since I started coming to Perumalmalai for Zen.  And since 2014 have been a disciple of Zen Master AMA Samy. Usually, I just spend my spare time in reading a book in the Zendo. It was one of those days, AMA asked me what I am reading and then suggested, I got to start walking as an exercise.  Perumalmalai do have many superb walking, hiking and trekking trails.  So, I started my daily walk in Perumalmalai. My favorite walking route is through the St. Joseph’s farm and estate, away from the main road.  It is a coffee estate with a lot of orange and avocado trees.  Thara came to little flower zendo with me during last December and I took her through my favorite walking path for our morning walk.  After a bit of climb, she was sitting on a kerb to get her breath back, and that was the moment, two oranges fell just in front of her.  And she laughed and told me, the nature knows to give when we are tired.  Those oranges were just ripe, and in that early morning dew on them, perfectly cool and tasted so delicious.  And that passage by W.H. Murray came to my mind, at that moment.   I did hear Thara sharing that with Manu, when he was getting ready to accompany me when I was shifting to Zendo a few days back.  And our son, who is a hardcore atheist, just laughed it off.  We did spend a couple of great days exploring Kodaikanal and he went back to Bangalore last Sunday.

And I continued my morning walks. Am a borderline diabetic and without morning walks, body and mind becomes dull and of less energy. Before she passed away, Zendog Jackie Mu was my walking guide and partner.  She kind of fended off, other street dogs, who often approached me a bit menacingly and led me on the path through the estate roads.

Today morning, as I reached the usual spot of resting and turned back, I suddenly felt a bit weak and tired.  May be over dieting of no carbs and no sugar, might have hit the sugar mark in the body.  And the regular tea shop Surya snacks was a good 1. 5 km away.  I did search for a candy in my cross-body bag and there were not any.

Then as I turned a hair pin bend in the downhill road, there was an orange lying just a few feet in front of me.  Seeing that, mind became still, and heartbeats stopped for a moment. It was not that ripe. Quite tangy and not the sweetest best. 

Still it tasted wonderful to my soul.  In no time, I send the picture to Thara. And she replied “Adipoli”. Which translates to something superb or fascinating. In the mind of a rationalist, it may mean nothing.. What else will one find, in a huge coffee estate full of avocados and oranges.  My need there was just an accident.  Coincidence is a mathematical probability to say the least.

Then I remembered the wonderful story written by Yakov Perelman in his classic book , “Physics for entertainment.”.   Let me quote that wonderful story verbatim.

“It is 1941 and the Germans are bombing Moscow. Most people in Moscow flee to the underground bomb shelters at night, except for a famous Russian statistician who tells a friend that he is going to sleep in his own bed, saying that “There is only one of me, among five million other people in Moscow. What are the chances I’ll get hit?”

He survives the first night, but the next evening he shows up at the shelter. His friend asks why he has changed his mind. “Well,” says the statistician, “there are five million people in this city, and one elephant in the Moscow Zoo. Last night, THEY GOT THE ELEPHANT!”

So we can indeed ,can calculate the probability of an orange falling at the feet of a traveller who is in real need.  They call it small probability event.  But when an absolutely small probability even happens in your life, at the most needed moment, is magical and mysterious.

Now what I have on my heart , note book and pin board is the poem by Spanish poet Antonio Machado.

Traveler, your footprints
are the only road, nothing else.
Traveler, there is no road;
you make your own path as you walk.
As you walk, you make your own road,
and when you look back
you see the path
you will never travel again.
Traveler, there is no road;
only a ship’s wake on the sea.

And May be, as a traveller when you look ahead, you may see , life gifting you oranges to energise you and keep you walking on your way.  Our world is indeed mysterious.  To paraphrase “Beauty is the eyes of the beholder,  mystery is revealed to Mindless No Minds and No brains “

 

Bridges across troubled waters…

Bridges across troubled waters…

by | Dec 9, 2024 | Compassion, Friendship, Gratitude, Harmony, RElationship

“We’ve made plans to meet again. Will Paul bring his guitar? Who knows. For me, it was about wanting to make amends before it’s too late. It felt like we were back in a wonderful place. As I think about it now, tears are rolling down my cheeks. I can still feel his hug.”

In the 1970s, widely acclaimed folk-pop duo Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel released their final album, Bridge over Troubled Water, which went on to win the Grammy Award for Best Album of the Year in 1971. At the height of their fame however, the duo broke up.

(Image credit: CBS Photo Archive / Getty Images)

With a friendship that began when they first met in school in the early 1950s, the duo was catapulted to the mainstream when their first album was released in 1964. Six years later however, they threw in the towel after their final album was released.

In his memoir, Paul admits that he took offence to Art’s foray into acting and Art took offence to Paul’s decision to record as a solo artist early on in their career. While they briefly reunited for special and rare performances over the years, it was evident to fans and foes alike that the wounds of their ruptured relationship still ran deep.

Both couldn’t deny however that when they worked together, they had the potential to create something special and meaningful to their fans. And 54 years later, an interview with Art Garfunkel last week, reveals that the two musical legends have built their own bridge over troubled water and reconciled, as the opening quotation of this Dispatch testifies.

I received the above wonderfully written note from Takshashila in their newsletter Takshashila Dispatch dated 17 Nov 2024.  It was nice read and I chose to quote as it is. Though   that article’s theme was on AI Chip, my Ordinary mind wandered into bridges that we build , burn and rebuild in the troubled waters of human relationships.

It triggered my memory about a movie I had watched as a young boy and a wonderful book I read during my youth. 

The Bridge on river kwai.  I quite vaguely remember the storyline. How Japanese used prisoners of war to build a bridge for war time use across river Kwai.  In the last scene, the hero who had helped, the Jap to build that bridge, ends up blowing it into pieces.

But I have a very vivid collection of Richard Bach’s wonderful book “A Bridge across forever.”

I heard about Richard Bach in one of the six sigma training sessions of Subroto Bagchi at Wipro.  He spoke about the book “Jonathan Livingston Seagull “and when I went to buy that book from Premier book shop on church street,  Shanbaug told me  Bridge across forever too is a good book. So, I ended up buying both. And I never regretted.  Shanbag was not just an ordinary book seller, he was a true bibliophile. As long as he was running the Premier bookshop, I never ever went to another book shop.

Bridges is a great metaphor about relationships.  May be as humans evolving socially has a lot do with advancement in our collective knowledge and skill of building bridges.  

Many ancient civilizations started building bridges across rough and tough terrains, often in crude way, filling the ravens with rocks and woods so that they can cross and reach out to others. They learnt to bridge across rivers and streams too. Still in the northeast and many part of the world, people build bridges using natural bamboo.

The oldest existing bridge, which is still in use by the local population in the world is said to be  Arkadiko Bridge. It is an arch bridge. The Arkadiko Bridge was built sometime around 1300 – 1190 BCE.

Pic courtesy: Wikipedia Commons

When our ancestors in Greece, learnt about the arch which enables strength to carry a lot of tonnage and  when Romans discovered that Mortar from volcanic rock wont dissolve in rain and water, it was massive fillip to the art and science of bridge making

From bridges to relationships, we Humans are social animals.  Jiddu Krishnamurti famously said that we know ourselves only in the mirror of relationships.  In my view, that includes the relationship with us.

Some of the relationships, we don’t have any choice… Those are the Rummy cards dealt to us by the destiny for this round of the game.  Our grandparents, parents, siblings, sons and other blood relatives. We can’t choose them. They just happen to us. Even after the initial set of 13 cards, the cards you choose from a stockpile, you don’t have any way of choosing it by knowing that card beforehand.  So, it is luck and destiny.  We have the option of scooting and getting out of the game or it is for us to play this game in this round of life. Some discard some cards to the waste pile, have not you seen, broken relationships amongst siblings, cousins, children abandoning their parents, parents abandoning their children etc. I do have my share of broken relationships. And   Some play wisely to create melds out of the available cards and win the game. 

Then there are relationships, where you can choose. You can choose your spouse, your friends, your neighbors (to an extent), your boss and colleagues and clients ( again to an extent). OF course you can choose your spiritual guru. In Zen tradition it works both ways. A disciple / student got to accept the Master, and the Master got to accept the disciple.  These choices are informed choices.  Though, I do know now, our so called Free will is limited, still we can exercise to an extent. We can’t blame Destiny for these set of cards.

In some of these relationships, (amongst both set of cards), we don’t have to build any bridges.  People miraculously will walk across water, like Jesus and Peter in Bible, to reach out to others. Each one of us, do have a Jesus and Peter in our life. I do.  My better half Thara, my children Manu and Rishi, my best pals for life like Komal Jain and Sheik Iyer etc.

I do have many more great relationships.  Like Amma, my siblings Sasi and Sandhya, my Zen Master AMA Samy,  my mentors and well-wishers from childhood Dr. Radhakrishnan and Usha Aunty, late Dr. Richard McHugh,  late Ranjan Acharya, Brij Sethi, Dan Pacheco, LH Rao,  Ram Ramanathan , my teachers Gopala Thatha, from ALP school to APU, my bosses from R Bala to late SMR to  Robert Meier, countless colleagues (especially Risk team mates from SMR’s team like Guru and others..)and even clients, my friends from KTMHS (Manoj, Dr. Dinesen, Satish) to BVB (Dagar Gang) to Wipro to Mantri Tranquil, some of my cousins and relatives, some of my friends from Coaching community and Bodhi Sangha members, late Jackie Mu, the Zendog…. But none of them were tested in real rough waters like the previous list of Jesus and Peter. Here we were all good to each other through out to a great extent.

 But those who walked across water to reach out to me, did that regardless of what I was at that point of time. Or I walked across the water, regardless of what they were at that point of time.

I can share a mild example. 

 A long time back, we had a friends group called Tennis Mafia, (we still have that group, though some of them have moved out of Tranquil).  Some of us were good in Tennis. Some of us were learning to play.  And I and others, had organized a tournament (that too prize money one) . During one match, Sheik and LP@HP were playing against irrepressible Erode Subbu and his teammate.  I was trying to officiate the match.  On some incident, there was very heated argument between Sheik and me. And as I was storming out of the court literally fuming, I heard Sheik saying, “Vishy you are my friend and you won’t walk away, regardless of what is the matter” and I turned around. That was kind of walking over the water and reaching out.  And that match ended.  Subbu and his teammate won that game. Sheik and LP@HP lost Tournament got over. Prize money was given.  Subbu and his teammate got that purse.  I had moved out of Tranquil.  Life continued and our friendship too. Still, he was one of those to whom I reach out in hours of distress. I can count on him. So he can too.

I do have a similar stories about Komal, Thara, Manu and Rishi etc.  May be some other time. At least, I would wait for Komal to retire to write that story. 

Aristotle in his epic Nicomachean Ethics, wrote a whole chapter on friendship. He defined friendship on three levels. Friendship of utility/ transaction, friendship of beauty or power and friendship of virtue.  It is when friendship is based on virtue, people start walking over water and reach out.  Even troubled waters.  Even fire.

Even we can classify all other relationships in these three levels.

One does not need bridges to build across.  Love, gratitude and compassion are the invisible mathematical arches and mortar which make it happen.

But for other levels of relationships, we may still need to build bridges.  And in some very rare cases, we got to burn the bridges too. Because we know very well, those on the other shore/side, wont or can’t walk across the water or fire.

British built bridge across Nellipuzha river at Mannarkkad, which is a gate way to my home town. Still it is good and strong.  A bridge which was built parallely , fell down within an year of construction and was rebuilt at a cost to the state. 🙂 

6 feet down under……

6 feet down under……

by | Dec 4, 2024 | Gratitude, Grief, Harmony, Joy, Uncategorized, Zen

 

“Every Man’s life ends the same way, it is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguishes one man from another “. Thus wrote Ernest Hemingway in his answer to Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace titled “For whom the bell tolls”.

 My eyes were moist, mind blank, as I was standing holding an ancient looking rusted iron   gate locked with chain and lock as if they did not want their dead and buried to walk across that line back to this world. As the great Moroccan traveler Ibn Battutah had written “Travelling at first leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller.  Travelling at the speed of light, through mountains and valleys of memories in our mind is no different.   

I was trying to locate the spot, where my late father Sankara is taking his last rest.  Usually in Kerala homes with backyard becomes a forest after the monsoon and people work clearing the dense foliage to keep snakes and wild animals out of their backyard.

Besides my father Sankara, my uncle, their cousins,  grandparents , great grandparents, other blood relatives  and generations of our ancestors too share that social space. Almost more than an acre on the border of evergreen Kunthipuzha which originates in Silent Valley and ends up in Arabian Sea ….🌊 And that piece of real estate is the best and most beautiful serene and peace sleeping 😴 spot for post death sleep in this world. Graves are not marked as this is a common burial ground of Kannadigas of Mannarkkad. Only living beings draw boundaries and worry about what they own and are selfish … after death and before born everything belongs to all. And another common thread, I can think is all of them seems to love that river so much.   During monsoon, when she overflows and carry with her everything from elephants to a few humans to Arabian sea to mild mannered ways during post rainy seasons.  My guess is they don’t mind the hoary tunes to lullabies of the river for their sleep.  And in the overpopulated and overcrowded state of Kerala, an acre of such land is precious.   It is quite a luxury that Kannadigas of Mannarkkad were just around 10 homes but we our own burial ground. We used to call our community as “Athatti” (which means 10 Households in Kannada though now it has come down to 2 or 3).

 My father fought against a local wealthy strong man who tried to take over that piece of land, with the connivance of a distant relative of ours.  Sankara was lifelong card holding member of CPI and he could walk into the offices of Left ministers and leaders.   I used to be swelled with pride and joy, when they used to receive him with so much of respect and affection.  When K E Ismail, was revenue minister of Kerala, he got him instruct our Collector to issue an order handing over the title of that land within a day.   May be that was my father’s way of ensuring that greedy strangers with no values won’t encroach and disturb his very last slumber.

 I had left that place mentally, the moment my dear dad was buried. And I was back at that place after 18years, as I was at Mannarkkad to attend the diamond jubilee celebrations of my high school KTMHS. ( It was the alma mater of my father Sankara too.) )

As I was planning to leave home and move to a Zendo, I thought I should talk to him and seek his blessings.  Though 18 years is a long time, and his physical remains would have been gone back to Mother earth 6 feet down under. Suddenly that phrase 6 feet below stuck to my mind.  Appears like a softened phrase for burial in a grave or burial ground, or more generally for death. 

 As Hemingway wrote, every man’s life does not end in the same way.  Some are buried, some are cremated, some are left for sky burial (though the dwindling population of vultures  had forced  Parsis to choose either cremation or burial now a days, some choose to leave their dead bodies as learning material for medical colleges ( I have chosen to choose that option in my will )  and some bury their dead  into the sea   ( Like US Navy ) . Osama bin Laden’s body was also thrown in the sea so that the buried place could not become his shrines.   King Abdulla ( the  previous king of KSA ) was buried in a unmarked grave for the same intent.  Mughal Emperors built their burial sites, so that they are marked in history and geography. While some like Akbar did with some class, Shajahan did crassly, building a monument by inflicting great pain in those who built it and the economy as well.

 May be the way they all wanted their mortal remains to be treated after they are dead and gone, reflected how they lived on this earth.  Some lightly like birds in the sky and some like tyrants.  May be they lived  when they are alive ( or half dead) on this earth, 6 feet above ,  from their concerns and fears of what happens to them when they are dead and gone.

From time immemorial, ever since, the first gen of human beings started living on Earth, the challenges of day to day living took the lion’s share of his concerns and Mindspace. But their fears and concerns about death, dying and what happens to them defined the way they lived.  All philosophy and religion etc. might have originated from this fear than anything else.

 Even someone like Jiddu Krishnamurti who spoke to a vast number of audience over a long life time on conditioning of mind was not fully free from this , in my view. I had read , during his last days at Ojai, as it was clear to him and everyone else that his end is imminent, he instructed others to contact the pandits of Varanasi to find out how an enlightened man or saint should be cremated, and then exclaimed what he is doing ! But then again, he instructed his trustees that the electric crematorium chamber got to be cleaned thoroughly, before they place his mortal remains inside for oven for burning  to ashes.  He did not want his ashes to be contaminated by another’s human’s ashes.

 A long time back during an interaction with some trustees of the KFI on conditioned mind,  I had shared this nugget in all my enthusiasm. One of the trustees, an absolutely brilliant man,  who chose to join a KFI school after his graduation from IIMC strongly put me in my place, directing me not to share unfounded stories and he was very much present at Ojai at that time.  I kept silent. Not for too long. I came back home, took out biographies written by May Lutyens and others and emailed him keying in those pages and references.  He was thorough gentleman and quite humble in nature and he did reply with a sorry note.

 The whole point of sharing this to underline, even a great philosopher like Krishnamurti was still struggling with the conditioned thoughts about the end of life.

 While I was struggling with Koan number 14 from Mumonkan ( The Gateless Gate), Nansen Kills the cat,  Fr AMA Samy  told me  “I die and I don’t die.  I don’t die so that I can die”. Accept death . Act  as if I am dying was the answer to that koan.  As Joshu would have told his Zen master Nansen, “Master , you can kill, but can you give  life ??”  

Zen , there is no distinction between life and death  is viewed as part of a continuum with life. Both life and death are one and the same and there is no dividing line. As per Zen we, what we think as a person,  is  an ongoing process and not a product. . And when we let go of our illusory sense of self, we lose our fear of death. The only way to know life is to be aware to living , because life is now and this is the only gateless gate to cross.

 

The spoke of work in my wheel of life…

The spoke of work in my wheel of life…

by | Nov 26, 2024 | Compassion, Empathy, Harmony, Joy, Management, Uncategorized

(Picture courtesy: Team-BHP.com)

Sometimes, the metaphors that commonly used are an indicator on the conditioned and ingrained way of thinking.

The spoke in the wheel literally means, making it very difficult for someone to achieve something they had planned to do.  When we integrate work , wisely , as a spoke to the wheel of life , then the spoke of work starts working harmoniously with other spokes in the wheel of our life and ensures joy and peace of mind in our way of life. 

 I have two points of view regarding this.

 First about the term Work – Life balance.

 The term Work life balance triggers the image of a weight scale or balance with two trays which separates life from work.  Rather it is more helpful to imagine a wheel of life with multiple spokes.  Spokes of relationship – to self, dear and near, org and society, taking care of oneself (exercises for mind and body), recreation and entertainment, silent time, work etc.  Each spoke is as important as any other spoke, if we wish to keep the wheel of life rolling, without toppling to one side, on the Way of life.  The spokes are important so are the space between those spokes.  And each spoke is a relationship we have with one facet of our life.  All those spokes consist of what can be called living.  We cannot take living out of our life.  Likewise, you cannot take out of those spokes out of the wheel. (Though the concept of maglev was invented by a German engineer more than a century back.  )

 As Lao Tsu wrote

 “Thirty spokes share the wheel’s hub;

It is the center hole that makes it useful.

Shape the clay into a vessel;

It is the space within that makes it useful.

Cut doors and windows for a room;

It is the holes that make it useful.

There benefit from what is there;

Usefulness from what is not there.”

     Chapter 11 Tao Te Ching Lao Tsu (Translated by Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English )

 

If we let any one of the spoke out grow other spokes, then  wheel or circle cease to be  one and there ends  its journey in the way of life, temporarily or permanently.

 Then it is not about just over working, even people can get negatively impacted on overexercising or overeating or  binge-watching Netflix as a way of entertainment.  There is a limit our brain can take glucose or our heart oxygen.  More or less is not only , not beneficial it can be harmful.  

 Secondly, it is important to note that, certain professions, need utmost focus and attention from us, such intensity can be sustained only a few hours at a time /stretch.  It could be the role of a  surgeon, or a truck/bus driver, or a pilot  or even a cook etc.  They all do need a total cut off from work and need absolute rest of body and mind for rejuvenating.  But for many other professions, still if people think, they need a totally segregation of work from rest of their life, it does indicate, their environment in which they work contributes to their stress rather than the work itself.  It could be toxic culture, toxic boss, or overcompetitive coworkers etc.   If I am not too to keen on finding out, or annoyed at, Or feeling stressed out, why my  Boss or my colleagues at work or my customers tries to reach me , when I am at other spokes of my wheel of life, then it could stem more from their images I have “Built” in my mind . I can surely bet that it is not too positive.  We could reverse that question.  If a dear and near, a loved one, tries to reach us during our work hours, what would be our response.

 

To take this argument forward, If  someone , still really thinks the spoke of Work has to be separated form his wheel of life,  s/he got to really got to really evaluate, whether that particular spoke fits wheel with their wheel of life , in values and principles.  Each one of us may have different types of wheel of life.  While I still consider my wheel of life as that of a bullock cart, there could be people with a wheel of life of a Ferrari.

Skip to content