Adventures of a Bystander in the Age of AI — Crossing the Chasm Within

Adventures of a Bystander in the Age of AI — Crossing the Chasm Within

Everyone is talking about AI taking away jobs. Just a few days back, a Coaching colleague, whose practice focus in Career shifts  wrote a wonderful passage that  the bigger issue may not be unemployment—it is meaninglessness. “Work has never been just about money. It has been about identity. It provides structure. It is the story our parents proudly share when someone asks about us. Take that away, and who are we? The fear of meaninglessness is real. For many, work has been the anchor of identity, the rhythm of daily life, and the narrative thread of belonging. AI disruption threatens to unsettle that anchor. It is not just about automation or efficiency; it is about the erosion of the stories we tell ourselves and others about who we are.”

And yet, this is not inevitable. History shows a recurring pattern: when technology reshapes work—whether in the industrial revolution or the digital revolution—humans eventually re-anchor meaning in new roles, crafts, and communities. The challenge is not the disappearance of meaning, but the transition, the liminal space where old identities dissolve before new ones take shape. I know this from experience. For over fifteen years, I worked as a Change and Transformation consultant. Then one day, I stopped. Not because the work was meaningless, but because I no longer needed that identity to define me. I discovered that life continues, and meaning can be found in other places—relationships, writing, contemplative practice, service. The pay check was never the whole story.

Peter Drucker was introduced to me by none other than Subroto Bagchi, who wrote quote often about him.  Subroto considered   Drucker as the father of modern management. By the way, while many other management gurus are known by the great institutions they are affiliated with, Drucker chose a low key University and eventually that institution got its identity from  Drucker’s contribution to the Management science.

Drucker began his career in an apprenticeship at a Hamburg trading company. By his own account, he “learned nothing” about the business itself—the managers barely paid attention to the trainees. Yet he later said it was not a wasted year. He read voraciously, discovered Kierkegaard, and began shaping the philosophical foundations that would define his life’s work. Apprenticeship, he showed, is not only about acquiring skills, but about forming identity through exposure, discipline, and reflection. In times of disruption, perhaps we are all apprentices again—learning to re-anchor meaning in unexpected places.

Drucker’s memoir, a classic must read,  Adventures of a Bystander, makes this even clearer. He portrays himself not as a man defined by his jobs, but as an observer, a learner, a bystander to history. His identity was never confined to the roles he held—consultant, professor, writer—but was rooted in curiosity, reflection, and the people and ideas he encountered. His life shows that one can live fully, contribute deeply, and yet not be imprisoned by professional labels.

He also recounted a disturbing episode from his time in a London investment bank in the 1930s. What struck him was not the technical work of finance, but the culture of the firm—how traditions, rituals, and unspoken rules shaped identity and power. Among these, Drucker noted a shocking practice: the secretary of the managing partner was considered part of the “succession package.” Whoever was to become the next managing partner was expected to assume not only the professional responsibilities of the role but also inherit the secretary in a personal capacity. Drucker was appalled by this, and he shared it as an example of how institutions can normalize practices that, when seen from the outside, are clearly unethical and dehumanizing. The point of the story is not the scandal itself, but the lesson Drucker drew: organizations often bind identity to roles in ways that are arbitrary, unhealthy, or even absurd. What was considered “normal” in that investment bank was, in fact, a distortion of both work and human dignity. Drucker’s lifelong insistence that management is a moral practice—not just a technical one—was shaped by witnessing such episodes early in his career.

Hannah Arendt, some 70 years ago, predicted the peril of modern life—long before the so‑called knowledge economy came into existence—that chasing productivity would extinguish meaning. In her seminal groundbreaking work, The Human Condition, she distinguished between labour, the endless cycle of necessity tied to survival; work, the creation of durable things that give the world stability; and action, the highest form of freedom, where we reveal ourselves to others and shape history. Her concern was that modernity collapses these distinctions, reducing all activity to the logic of labour and output. In such a world, thought is measured by its utility, people are valued by their efficiency, and even leisure is instrumentalized as recovery for further work. This marks the triumph of the animal laborans—the human as labouring animal, hollowing out meaning and eroding the very spaces where freedom, creativity, and genuine human action can arise.

One of the most influential books on technological change, Crossing the Chasm, was written not by an engineer but by an English Literature professor, Geoffrey Moore. That paradox is telling: the deepest insights about change often come from outside the expected domain. They remind us that identity is larger than occupation, and that wisdom often comes from the margins. So the deeper question is not “What will AI take away?” but “Who am I when the titles and roles fall away?” One of the most powerful coaching questions I have ever faced was exactly this: define yourself beyond titles, beyond roles. Interestingly, that question did not come from a certified coach, but it has stayed with me as one of the most transformative. It stripped away the masks and left me face-to-face with something more essential.

I am also reminded of a story shared by Wipro veteran Dr. Sridhar Mitta. In the early days, Wipro manufactured PCs and even built a homegrown productivity suite. When these systems were installed in offices, the Munims of Kolkata—masters of the traditional Marwari accounting system, Parta—insisted on cross-checking the computer’s output with their own methods. They did not trust the machine. Change takes time. But eventually, they adapted. And so did the organizations around them. This story is a parable: humans resist, test, and cross-check—but eventually, we learn to swim in new waters.

Fish know how to swim. Squirrels know how to climb trees. And birds know how to fly. They did not need finishing schools or certified coaches. The only inherent talent humans are born with is the ability to adapt—and to work with strangers. Unlike other animals, we are wired for collaboration and reinvention. That is our evolutionary gift. AI may unsettle our roles, but it cannot erase this gift. If anything, it calls us to exercise it more consciously.

But there is another way to meet disruption—not by clinging to new roles, but by letting go  the shackles of identity itself. After moving out of the 9–5 prison of corporate walls, paychecks, and social media emojis, I immersed myself in the ordinary life of a Zen student, guided by an ordinary Zen teacher, in an ordinary Zendo. And in that ordinariness, something extraordinary revealed itself. I began to notice that I was no longer the protagonist of my life, endlessly striving to perform and prove. More often, I was simply a witness. Watching thoughts rise and fall. Watching the Zendo waterfall come alive and then dry itself out. Learning to be calm under stress from Zendog Bhim . Watching myself breathe. When one shifts from being the protagonist—the doer, the achiever—to being the witness—the observer—a spaciousness opens that can hold all of life’s experiences without being defined by them. In this shift from doing to witnessing, my equanimity, inner peace, tranquillity, and joy have not just grown—they have multiplied. And one thing I reaslised is in that state of mind, Arendt’s definition of  Labour becomes an action from the true mind. Infact Zen, through its ordinary life, ordinary mind  just teaches this.  Everything is selfless action. Whether it is archery, ikkenaba, cleaning dishes or zendo, walking dog, reading philosophy or doing zazen.

So in my humble view, the real answer to the problem of meaninglessness is not to seek new identities, new labels, or new masks. That is only rearranging the furniture in the same prison cell. The deeper work is to strip away those onion skins of identity—consultant, professional, achiever, even seeker—until what remains is the emptiness at the core. And in that emptiness, there is no void. There is space. Spaciousness that holds everything: joy and sorrow, gain and loss, sound and silence. As the Heart Sutra reminds us: form is emptiness, emptiness is form. To realize this is to be free—not from work or responsibility, but from the compulsion to define ourselves by them.

AI may strip away the masks we have worn at the market place for decades. But perhaps this is not a loss—it is an invitation. An invitation to rediscover meaning in relationships, creativity, service, and contemplative practice. An invitation to remember that identity is not a title on a business card, but the living presence we bring to each moment. Identity can be adaptive, distorted, or transcended—but never reduced to a job title. The Munims of Kolkata, Drucker the bystander, Arendt the philosopher, Moore the literature professor, the London banker’s secretary, and the Zen student in the ordinary Zendo all point to the same truth: we are more than our roles. And when the roles fall away, what remains is the freedom to simply be. What remains for you, when the roles fall away?

It feels fitting to conclude with a final layer of witness-consciousness. This essay itself is a product of the very transition it describes. The thoughts, experiences, and conclusions are my own, but the process of articulating them was a collaboration with an AI language model. It served as a digital apprentice, helping to structure arguments and find connections between Drucker, Arendt, and Zen. In this collaboration, I experienced the very point I hoped to make: the tool did not define the meaning; it aided in its expression. The witness—the essential self—remained, simply using a new kind of brush to paint its truth.

The Web of Relationships: Avial and Attachment

The Web of Relationships: Avial and Attachment

Rainer Maria Rilke wrote in his small, luminous Letters to a Young Poet:

“If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches.”

Whether one is rich or poor in money, life offers its riches without discrimination. Most of these riches arrive in the form of relationships.

We often speak of “relationship” as if it belongs only to people — family, friends, the dear and near, perhaps a beloved pet. But life is far more promiscuous in its affections. It binds us to everything.

Life is a paradox — an abstraction vast as the sky with its never‑ending horizons, yet made of the most concrete, phenomenal things. It is the air that enters as breath and leaves us every moment. The water that quenches the thirst of our cells. The food that fills our plate and nourishes our body. The clothes that hold our scent and our modesty. The shelter that keeps our dreams intact, even if the sky were to fall. The books that carry other minds into ours, almost like osmosis. The music that rearranges our heartbeat — sometimes faster, sometimes slower. The football match that turns strangers into a single roar, especially when divine beings like Leo, Maradona, Zico, or Socrates appear on the ground. The flowers, leaves, trees, birds, clouds, sun, moon. The vehicles and gadgets that extend our reach. The deaf and mute gods we pray to, the dogs who love us without condition, the work that shapes our days.

Life is all of these and more. In the last three years at the Zendo, learning with a Zen Master, one lesson has stayed with me: enlightenment is nothing more than living each moment fully, with awareness and compassion. Spirituality is nothing more than being a humane human. It has nothing to do with divinity, nor with gods and heaven.

Robert Pirsig wrote in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance:

“The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of the mountain, or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha — which is to demean oneself.”

To live is to be related to all these — to be in conversation with the constituents of existence. The quality of our life depends not only on the spread of these relationships, but on their depth.

When we speak of these parts, we are, in a way, reducing the great, whole abstraction of life into pieces we can hold, taste, and turn over in our hands. It is like having both a spotlight and a panoramic view — the detail and the whole. Trouble comes when we get stuck in one: the spotlight shrinking into a microscope, or stretching into a telescope that pushes life far away. Or a panoramic view so blurred it loses meaning.

As a child, my world was fourfold: Food. Football. Books. Politics. I did not choose them; they chose me. They rose from the environment into which I was born and shaped my early years. Much later, Zen — and to an extent, music — joined the list. But those originals never left me. They were not hobbies. They were my first teachers in the art of being alive — nourishing the body, stirring the spirit, feeding the mind.

Even now, I see life as a web of relationships — each thread a chance to meet the world more fully, each knot a reminder that nothing exists alone. And nowhere is this web more deliciously visible than in an Onam Sadya.

The Sadya is not merely another lunch. It is a parliament of colours, aromas, and textures convened on a single green leaf, democratically served — the ultimate gastronomical delight. Onto that green plantain leaf arrive the emissaries of the season: the crisp pappadam that shatters like laughter, the avial — a chorus of vegetables bound in coconut and curd, the olan, pale and quiet, like a monk in white robes, the fiery kalan that speaks in exclamation marks, the tangy puli inji — my favourite.

Rice — often Palakkadan par‑boiled matta rice with its brownish hues — sits at the centre, as if holding court, receiving in turn the sambar’s earthy embrace, the rasam’s sharp, peppered counsel, and finally, the sweet benediction of payasam — four types of it, each to be savoured in a particular order lest the last lose its distinct memory.

To eat a Sadya is to be in relationship with more than food. It is to shake hands with the farmers who grew the rice, and the cooks who lovingly prepared each dish. To nod to the coconut trees swaying in the Malabar wind. To remember the grandmother who taught you how to fold the leaf just so. To sit in the company of kin and strangers, all bound by the same choreography of reaching, serving, tasting, smiling.

Even at SATORP — the greenfield refinery of Aramco and Total in Al Khobar — our project site mess offered dozens of cuisines to cater to the sixty or seventy nationalities working there, the largest spread I’d ever seen. Yet even that came a distant second to an Onam Sadya. In recent years, Thara and I made it a point to attend every major Sadya event in Bangalore. We were even the first to arrive at the Kappa Chakka Kandhari fest in Koramangala.

This year, I’m at Kanzeon Zendo. After checking around, I settled on the Onam Sadya at the Kodaikanal International Hotel — good food, fair prices, and staff who know both Fr. AMA and our Zendo Manager, Prakash Raj. They always treat us warmly.

On Thiruvonam day, we arrived early at 11:30 a.m., only to be told the feast would be ready at 12:30. We decided to wait over coffee, but soon the manager informed us it would be delayed further. So we ordered à la carte instead. The food was delicious — no doubt about that — but knowing a Sadya was being prepared next door and that we’d miss it was a small dampener.

Prakash was apologetic, and we planned to return the next day for the Sadya. But as we were paying, we learned it was being served only that day. Strangely, I felt no disappointment. I simply accepted it — not with resignation, but with the quiet ease that comes when the craving has dissolved.

Back at the Zendo, I called Thara. In her school  The Valley School  for lunch, they’d prepared Kerala‑style curries — my favourites. We laughed over my “missed Sadya” story. My own equanimity surprised me. Once, Thara and I had driven all the way from Kanakapura Road to Murugan Idli which is almost near Krishnagiri at around 70 + kms from our home, for a plate of podi idli. That was my past. Now, I find myself more willing to let life unfold as it will.

Yesterday’s koan at Dokusan was Hekiganroku 58, Joshu’s Pitfall: “The supreme way is not difficult; it just dislikes picking and choosing.” Once we stop that, life is wonderful. A parotta with Chettinad chicken curry is as delicious as avial with puli inji.

Jiddu Krishnamurti more than once said:

“I don’t mind what happens. That is the essence of inner freedom. It is a timeless spiritual path: release attachment to outcomes, and deep inside yourself, you will feel good no matter what.”

I think I realise what he meant: inner freedom is not minding what happens.

For this year’s Thiruvonam, I did not sit before the leaf. But the relationship was still there — in the remembering, in the imagining, in the gratitude for what could have been. A thread loosened, perhaps, but not broken. For in the web of relationships, even absence can be a form of presence.

Navigating the Seas of Life  with Relation-ships: Sailing, Sinking, and Staying Afloat

Navigating the Seas of Life with Relation-ships: Sailing, Sinking, and Staying Afloat

Not by choice-   could not write anything for a while.

Heart mind was parched and dry… In a world where even rivers dies down due to thirst, heart minds can go parched and dry too. This got written by itself. Though it is written with ink laced with my heart blood and bones from cartilage as pen.  It ended up as a long passage. Though I wrote about my life and relationships in it, the similar characters might have made an appearance in your life stage as well. It is as much as about you as well as me.

 

Yes. This blog is about ships of Relations in my sea of life … Or anyone’s sea of life… And those “ships” (relations) – while many of them still sail well calmly and collectedly  in choppy and turbulent high seas, some did sink in placid lakes and a few still stay afloat even after they got wrecked.  May be I am still holding on to those shattered pieces to stop from drowning.

Happy reading…. If you stay course till the very end and reach the other shore , pls drop in a message to me 

Unsinkable (relation) ship!

There is no danger that Titanic will sink. The boat is unsinkable and nothing but inconvenience will be suffered by the passengers.” Phillip Franklin, White Star Line vice-president, 1912. ( The company which owned The Titanic )

Words that have gone down in history, for all the wrong reasons.

At latitude 41° 43′ 32″ north, longitude 49° 56′ 49″ west, 370 miles (595 kilometres) southeast of Halifax, Nova Scotia, 2.5 miles (4 km) down lays the wreck of the RMS Titanic. The rust-coloured remains rest in two parts, the stern around 2,000 feet (600 metres) from the bow and facing in opposite directions.”

[https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20120402-the-myth-of-the-unsinkable-ship#:~:text=%22There%20is%20no,in%20opposite%20directions.]

 

(Pic courtesy: Copilot designer)

 

Krishnamurti on Relation-ships:

 I was a Hardcore Krishnamurti-ite once.  Devouring everything he had written.  

One of the quotes that stayed with me is:

“Relationship is the mirror in which we see ourselves as we are.”  

Rest of his quote goes like this ,  “ All life is a movement in relationship. There is no living thing on earth that is not related to something or other. Even the hermit that abandons the world and goes into some lonely spot is related to the past, is related to those who are around him. There is no escape from relationship. And in that relationship, which is the mirror in which we can see ourselves, in that relationship we can discover what we are: our reactions, our prejudices, our fears, depressions, anxieties, loneliness, sorrow, pain, grief.”

Types of “Ships” of Relations:  “I” Chose, Chosen by (Other) and Choiceless (?) “

There are relationships, where you  choose. You can choose your spouse, your friends, your neighbours (to an extent), your boss and colleagues and clients ( again to an extent). OF course you can choose your spiritual guru. In Zen tradition it works both ways. A disciple / student got to accept the Master, and the Master got to accept the disciple.  These choices are informed ( sometimes very illiterate  choices).  Though, I do know now, our so called Free will is limited, still we can exercise to an extent. We can’t blame Destiny for these set of choices and relation- ships.

Many a times, when you choose someone else, you also get chosen by someone else. Your Zen master is an example.  Same goes with your Coach or Therapist.

Then some of the relationships, are Choiceless ones … Those are the Rummy cards dealt to us by the destiny for this round of the game.  Our grandparents, parents, siblings, sons and other blood relatives. We can’t choose them. They just happen to us. They too can’t choose us. We just happen to them.  Even after the initial set of 13 cards, the cards you choose from a stockpile, you don’t have any way of choosing it by knowing that card beforehand.  So, it is luck and destiny.  We have the option of scooting and getting out of the game or it is for us to play this game in this round of life. Some discard some cards to the waste pile, have not you seen, broken relationships amongst siblings, cousins, children abandoning their parents, parents abandoning their children etc. I do have my share of broken relationships. And   Some play wisely to create melds out of the available cards and win the game. 

 

And then there are  Unconditional Relationships: Some relationships, regardless whether they are chosen by you , you got chosen or choiceless,  transcend circumstances, with people reaching out to each other regardless of situations, exemplified  closest family and friends. Especially Dunbar’s inner circles and I call them anamcara friends.  The term soul friend, comes from the Irish words anam, meaning “soul” and cara meaning friend. In Celtic tradition , soul friends are considered  an essential part of spiritual development.  ( there is a wonderful book by  John O’Donohue  AnamCara : A book of Celtic Wisdom.)n

Dunbar’s magic Number on # of relationships:

Regardless whether your relationships are chosen by you, or you get chosen or choiceless ones,  Dunbar’s magic number applies.

Dunbar’s theory, often referred to as Dunbar’s number, suggests that people can maintain a maximum of 150 relationships. This number is broken down into layers of closeness:

The tightest circle consists of five loved ones.

  • Followed by 15 good friends.
  • Then 50 friends.
  • 150 meaningful contacts.
  • 500 acquaintances.
  • And finally, 1500 people you can recognize1.

This theory highlights the cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships. It emphasizes the importance of these layers in understanding the dynamics of human social interactions. 

U might be wondering what is the relevance of this.  In this era  of social media life, they all get muddled. In real life,  most of our relationships comes from family, friends , work and community we belong to.

There was one quote which says , “ “Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.” .  I would add to it Work and Friends as well.  IN fact, most of our waking hours we spent in earning a living and many a times, we don’t consider that as part of our life.  People talk about Work and Life balance as if. Work happens in some other planet and not part of our life.  In my life, people whom I met at workplace, had a lot of significance in my life even in my spiritual path.  My Bosses like RBala, late SMR, Ishwar, Brij etc were all spiritually and humanely evolved.  They merit a focussed blog.  This one I am going to focus on family and friends.

Theory and Practice:

All these are theories.  The proof of the pudding is in eating.  I mean Living. The first great lesson I learnt on Relationship came from a  Jesuit priest , quite ironically.   Dr. Richard McHugh who left his family to be a priest and country in which he was born to serve another country and culture  and who never got married was an unlikely candidate to be a relationship coach.  But he ended up as on in my life and Thara ‘s life too.  

Dr Richard McHugh and NLP

It is Venerable NLP Guru. Dr. Richard McHugh who taught me how to make relationships work. I got to write about Dick McHugh, because he was the first Guru for Thara and I.  Thara used to have a pathological hatred for Guruhood, but she accepted Richard as one.

Dick McHugh was a American Jesuit Priest who made India his home.  He later worked with Tony DeMello at Sadhana in Pune for a long time. Tony DeMello was his close friend.  He learnt NLP from Bandler and Grinder, when those founders of NLP were still together.   After untimely death of Tony DeMello, Dick McHugh started travelling around the world teaching NLP.  In USA, Europe and India.  In India every year he used to conduct 3 workshops.  In Jamshedpur, Bangalore and then Mumbai.  He used to visit Bangalore in the months of Feb and March every year and used to conduct his workshops in Ashirwad at St Marks Road. Those were never advertised in any way, but seats used to get booked months in advance..  

Credit for that should go to Daniel Pacheco. It was Dan who had asked us to attend Dick McHugh’s NLP seminar.  And Dan seems to have told Dick McHugh that he is sending a mule headed rationalist left brainer to his NLP class. I was not aware of that.  On the first day, it was a normal day.  And on the second day during lunch time, Dick McHugh called me and asked me to tell Dan, that he found that “Mule headed left brainer.”. I did not understand anything.  Though I did ask him, he just repeated his instructions. That day evening, the moment I reached home, I called Dan and conveyed the message.  Dan burst into laughing and shared this with me.

After that event, Dr. McHugh kind of adopted us as his favourite guinea pigs in that workshop. For demonstrating almost all those NLP exercises, he used to select either me or Thara.

Ashirwad, the place our workshop was held, is on a narrow by lane from St. Marks Road. During  our Basic NLP training,  they had dug up that road for laying some pipe. And on an evening, I was struggling to get our car out of the compound.  Thara got out of the car to guide me.  And soon our small car was in the ditch. Luckily those workers were still around and helped us out.  Little did we know that  Dr. McHugh was watching the whole drama from his room on the first floor of Ashirwad.

The next day morning, he started his session, narrating about the incident with that Cullinan smile on his face and twinkle in his eyes and  he said to the class, this is what happens when a  person with a high visual modality way of looking at the world. Guides someone like me with a dominant auditory modality.

That is how he taught us about the VAK modalities and how it impacts the way we communicate.  Infact , on quote he had shared on that day still  rings in my ears.  “The Meaning of your communication is the response you get. “.

The Eternal North Star of My Life.

Thara and I got married an year before that NLP workshop  in an arranged marriage.  No idea what made us  say YES  to each other. She and I  was born and brought up in absolutely different environments. As Dick McHugh had said to us, here is two people as different as chalk and cheese.  One example, Thara had her school education in  Church Park , one of the best convents in  Chennai while I had my school education , in a school which had the nickname as. Kerala Themmadi Memorial school. ( which translated as. Kerala Rascal Memorial School !)  .. While I was brought up in very liberal household,  Thara’s  home is one of the most conservative one I had ever seen.

So we had our great challenges of  finding our way  after our marriage. And  the month long NLP course we did with Dr. Richard McHugh was the turning point of the tide.  And from then on , every year when he used to visit Ashirwad for his course, we used to go and meet him and gift him an XXL T shirt.  And every single time, he used to tell Thara that he got to let go an older one from his small suitcase . He used to travel  around the world and live out of two small suitcases.

Not that the NLP workshop changed  the terrain of our life. We did have our ups and downs in life. But the earliest lesson from Richard McHugh was good enough to work synergistically to ensure  an uprise, every  time. we felt, it is going to hit nadir, the ship is going to sink.

In fact at this very point of penning this, we had just another major conflict.

She has been an eternal north star in my life and helped me through navigating my life so far. Even when, I had walked out a job with  a Green card in the promised land,  resigning from a fancy IT job to be a full time student at a University  or at the end of it all, totally broken down with catatonic depression after being thrown out an NGO, or moving to a Zendo as a full time Zen student….the list is endless.

An year back, when she came to Zendo,  during the dining table conversation, someone asked her whether she is joining the Sangha as well.  And I had replied while some got to practice Zen , some lives it.

While Thara means  star or radiance, to me she was/is/will be the eternal north star.

Coming of Age and out of prison…

I was all of  4.5 years old then.  I am absolutely sure.  It might have been during the last week of May or very early  June.  ALP School    was not opened yet but the Monsoon was about to start.  My parents advanced my date of birth on record so that   – handful-trouble-maker  is not  at home at least during school hours.  One of my uncle,  then recently graduated & jobless (job seeking )  was stepping out of the house for his evening timepass  with his friends.  He said something to me and my brother , and I did reply something.  Might have been quite disrespectful, it did trigger one of those outlier reaction of anger and violence from him.   Though there were enough small sticks commensurating  for a  small  brat available in a Kerala home, he chose to discipline a 4.5 year old, by  folding  a steel wire  used to  dry  washed clothes and used as  his batascoir. That was the worst thrashing I got in my life. Never before that or never after. (so far! and Thank Goodness🙂 ).     My poor mother did try to stop it without much success.  After my uncle left,  she just held on to me and tried to stop my sobbing. I guess she herself was crying. 

That is when monsoon rain came on that day and wiped my tears away.  Old style Kerala houses, do have those long verandas, wooden bench  and wooden grill instead of the wall.  It is kind of half open to the world and nature.  When  it rains,  one can sit on those  bench, resting one’s chin on the wooden rail looking at the rain for hours.  As the direction of rain changes and with some wind, one gets   needle shower on the face too.  It is quite hypnotically and can take one to another world altogether.  It ended up   being an anchor of joy and peace for me.  There is a Zen koan which says , blood cannot wash away blood, and thoughts can’t save you from more thoughts…. But I can tell you from my experience, raindrops from heaven can wipe away the tears of heart.

If egotism+arrogance+shorttemperedness+lackofgratitude managed to get a pair of hands, legs and a head, in my view, that would have his name on its forehead. And he used to treat /bully everyone else in his life the same way, he treated a 4.5 year old kid.   I could narrate many  many stories.  But i don’t want for two reasons.  At the very point of time, he himself is facing a moment of truth in life. It won’t be empathetic to add to his woes. And secondly this is about me more than him.

It took me many many  more years, unfortunately,  to realise that I don’t have to live in a prison cell I made it for myself when I was  a small kid.  Infact  45 years to realise that I am no more a 45 year old child.  Zen might have helped me.  The moment it hit me, when I was sitting in a  Marriage hall in Chikamngalore, I just ticked him out of my life.  And it was just liberating for me like coming out of age and out or prison.

Each one of us’ prison cells gets built when we were children.  We can’t get out of it, since those  prison bars are invisible to our mind.  Only when we become aware of those prison bars in our mind, we can set ourself free.  In Acceptance and commitment therapy, there is a wonderful exercise named  Observer exercise.  Even Zen meditation does help. Enlightenment is not some esoteric ever lasting bliss, but setting ourselves free from ourselves. When we become truly aware of Witness consciousness, then we realise that we are the prisoner , prison cells and guards too.  It is in that realisation, everything gets sublimated. 

 

Eternal ships of Friends….

 A long time back, we had a friends group called Tennis Mafia, (we still have that group, though some of them have moved out of Tranquil).  Some of us were good in Tennis. Some of us were learning to play.  And I and others, had organized a tournament (that too prize money one) . During one match, Sheik and LP@HP were playing against irrepressible Erode Subbu and his teammate.  I was trying to officiate the match.  On some incident, there was very heated argument between Sheik and me. And as I was storming out of the court literally fuming, I heard Sheik saying, “Vishy you are my friend and you won’t walk away, regardless of what is the matter” and I turned around. That was kind of walking over the water and reaching out.  And that match ended.  Subbu and his teammate won that game. Sheik and LP@HP lost Tournament got over. Prize money was given.  Subbu and his teammate got that purse.  I had moved out of Tranquil.  Life continued and our friendship too. Still, he was one of those to whom I reach out in hours of distress. I can count on him. So he can too.

Btw there are a few more in my group of anamcara friends.  That was one of the real blessing of my life.

If the previous one is on the left side of the balance of challenge, the next life story is on the right most side.  I met Komal some 25 years ago at a Landmark Forum seminar. Others whom I had met there and with whom I am in still touch are  L.H. Rao , ( who has been kind mentor) and Deepa Vaishnavi ( A good friend).  In those 4 days of workshop, Komal and I became of best of friends. And Even after 25 years in between, we feel the same way even now.

In between I did endure a catastrophic experience in my life ( leave alone traumatic).  Lost my job, my father, my father in law, another close relative  etc. all within a few days.  And the brutal merciless job ouster came after some 8- 9 months of Satyagraha after I let go a green card to the green apple. (  Don’t want to share many details about that  as almost all the characters in that story are still alive and kicking. Some of them Gods with legs or spine of clay.) That time I did feel, quite deeply and strongly that I was left on my own to bear the pain and suffering and I strongly felt, Komal could have helped me out a lot more. Every time Komal  used to visit Bangalore,  he used to have dinner with Thara and I at our home. During those time, once he landed for dinner and I hardly spoke to him. Thara did all the talking. After dinner, we did take a small walk outside for some after dinner ice cream. But silence continued. I did feel that day, was the closure of one good chapter in my life.  It did not end that way, only due to his large heartedness and compassion.  Currently he is a Business leader, may be responsible for close to couple of Billion dollars of annual revenue and thousands of people.

An Ephemeral Comet of friend- ship

To start with , in this instance, I rather  limit the story and descriptions  to bare minimum so that the identity is not compromised at all. She is a fiercely private person and got to honour that. Secondly, due to the recency effect, any detached and nonprejudiced way of presenting the story is not possible. And thirdly but most importantly she was my Coachee once and I have a solemn commitment towards her wellbeing in all respects.

This story starts , when she sacked me as a Coach as she started considering  me as a friend. And then that  ship too got wrecked in just 14 days. The  following pic from my good Bodhi sangha brother Inaki Roldos collection, ‘https://in.pinterest.com/pin/261419953350887398/   , beautifully and succinctly captures the essence of what went wrong.

Then both of us were/are  good enough human beings who really meant well for each other and quite graciously wished each other well and moved on. ( Surely not before some heated debates and heartburns ) .

Then, we all, in our innermost existence, share common longings for joy, peace, love and freedom. Regardless, how well intentioned we are,  we all makes mistakes, sometimes we are utterly confused, and we inflict pain and endure it too. . Most importantly , we all get entangled in our personal narratives and perspectives, facing deep disappointment and making and breaking attachments. The truth of the matter is those who hurt us might be seeking the same things we desire for ourselves. Once we peel away all the layers self-righteous storytelling, anger, and pain, we can find an oasis  of peace and gratitude.

Some time back, a friend showed me the Winter triangle of stars on the western skyline of The Little Flower Zendo as we were all stepping out of the Zendo after evening music mediation. The other day , as I stepped  out of the Zendo  after closing the door  for the day, rather quite unconsciously, I glanced up to see on that distant skyline, whether a comet passes through over there.. Then, I wistfully reminisced  that even Halley’s comet, only known short-period comet visible to naked eye from the Earth, returns once every 75 years. That too for a few fleeting seconds!

Some friendships are like that.  Like the friendship between Halley’s Comet and Earth.

Zen concept of Mono No Aware

In fact Zen has a beautiful concept called: Mono No Aware … It refers to the awareness of the impermanence of things and the bittersweet feeling that comes with it. The sadness or wistfulness that comes from  the awareness of things’ transience.

 That is the reality of life.

A  solitary walker , on “The Way”  should be thankful for everything….Because no matter what happens , everything is perfect in its own way.

Some insightful  Home Truths

The strength of the Chain is its weakest link.

  A relationship between two humans are made by many points of connection.  Those connections could be blood bonds in case of family , bonds of love, common interests, likes and dislikes, our need to survive, our wants , spiritual path chosen, areas of work,  etc.. While there are many visible chain which ties the ship of relation quite safely, like common interests , likes, dislikes etc, it is the invisible thread of  Trust and commitment between two hearts that is the weakest link.  As long as that thread stays unbroken, the ship of relations always sail regardless of the rough weather we face on our life.  Only the challenges and tests of day to day life can strengthen those chains.  In my life, the relationships which lasted were the ones which did survive all those storms of high seas.  Fair weather ships of relations may be safe at harbour. But they may sink at the first turbulence it meets at its wake 

There are Bonds which sets you free

 The moment we think about chain, many may picturise imprisoned by relationships.  One got to realise that there are strongest of bonds we have in our relationship, which really sets us free. And those bonds are the invisible threads of trust, commitment and unconditional love which sets each one of us free in a relationship.  Whether it is a marriage or friendship.

  1. We are all Processes and not Products

When we nitpick and do accounting of the good and bad in others who are related to us, it is important to realise that every human is a process on the way to be better and not a finished product.  Every saint has a past and every sinner a future.  It is essential to give another a second chance. But never a third one

There are no angels and very few devils out there.

  As R. D. Laing wrote , “The Good men are aware of what is not good in them, while the bad is not .”  Almost all of us, are the in the grey band between absolute Lilly white angels and  black  band of devils.  Every time we point a finger at other self-righteously, we got to realise there  3 of our fingers points at us.

Love is a verb and not a noun

Love is an active expression and much beyond and feeling.  When you really love someone as in a marriage , friendship or other ships of relations, you actively show care, affection and commitment through actions.  Those actions, could be washing dishes or making a tea or just listening to them

Anicca , the Buddha’s law of impermanence

 Lastly but most importantly, everything is transient and temporal in nature. Even the ships of relations is not beyond the law of impermanence.  In this universe nothing lasts forever.  Even The Titanic has its shelf life.  Once it is wrecked, we can never create another Titanic with its pieces.

 But we can all create another ship of Relation.  That applies to ships of relations between  spouses and between a father and his children or between friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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